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awake

humor is a good survival skill

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Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

 

One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

 

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

 

"The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

 

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the WhiteHouse official and whispers, "$2,700."

 

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!

 

How did you come up with such a high figure?"The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.

 

""Done!" replies the government official.

 

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work

 

 

---Found this on the link awake supplied---

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Wv.Humor

In some of our poorer counties we still have bus service for them that dont own a car.On a trip into town the bus was crowded and at a stop a dwarf got on,being very polite a young girl offered her seat to the Man.He was startled and got MAD and said"Why do you think I need a seat for ?because Im a Small person(not from wv.apparently)I have been this way all my life and dont want your pitty!

ooooo the bus was icy cold and the little girl just looked down and snuggled with her mom.

Next bus stop a Very Large Country Grandmaw got up to get off the Bus and said"Im offering you my seat because your a human being and for no other reason and that was Very Rude to talk to that little girl that way! He was shocked and before he could say anything else Grandmaw said" And I hope that Cinderella kicks your ass when you get home"

 

county living at its Best..

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im not southern, nor like to be catergorized with eigther democrat or republican....so as a New York "yankee hed be shot with decent grouping ...and a new york reload ! lol

 

big mike. good one. We love Yankees down here as well. I was born and raised in the south and tend to like the stereotypical southern jokes.

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Survival Is An Attitude - and humor helps to maintain a positive attitude in adverse situations.

 

We were at an accident scene a few years back, and trying to give first aid to an injured person who was bleeding profusely from a cut on his arm. That persons spouse was freeking out - yelling and screaming. Finally I had to physically push her away and tell her "we have one emergency here - don't create another one by actng crazy." She got angry at me, but did finally go and sit down. We got the bleeding stopped before the Paramedics got there.

 

That was not an example of using humor - but humor could have helped the victum had his spouse been in a rational state of mind.

Edited by LivingGray

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Big mike,The big city has an advantage it teaches you "NOT" to trust anyone.The first weapon I ever shot was a Zip gun from a car antena,Yep DETROIT,and the learning to scan the area has kept me safe for many years.My attitude to any agression is met swiftly,and people back off real quick.Large citys will teach different skills.

 

Dont shot please.LMAO:D

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A saying we all have incommon no matter where we live is when a friend says

"WATCH THIS"

ooooo we know its going to leave a mark.

 

and just remember scars are like tattoos but they have better stories.

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A couple of terrorists were walking down a southern country road at night with no good on their mind

carrying weapons and flashlights.

 

a traveling liberal yankee salesman is tired and as he turns the corner he strikes them

 

one flies out over a fence into a field the other crashes through the windshield and ends up in the back

seat DRT {dead right there}

 

the liberal yankee panics OMG what have I done I killed 2 people there going to send me to prison

what about my children my wife and my boy friend all these ideas are running through his head

he decides the best thing is to inform the police and throw himself on the mercy of the court.

 

he finds a house and asks to use the phone as luck would have it it's the county sheriff

he get dressed and goes to the scene of the accident and the liberal yankee is

scared and shaking and asks will I go to prison?

 

the sheriff says what the hell for, we got that one in the field for leaving the scene of an accident

and trespassing and illegal night hunting , the one in the back seat for breaking and entering

and illegal night hunting.

and both for no hunting license between me and the game warden I think you can go.

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Red Neck of Medical terms..

Artery............The study of paintings.

Bacteria.........Back door to a Cafeteria.

Barium..........What Doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section....A neighborhood in Rome.

C T scan........Searching for a kitty.

Cauterize.......Made eye contact with her.

Coma............A punctuation mark.

D&C..............Where Washington is.

Dilate............To live long.

Enema..........Not a friend.

Fester...........Quicker than someone else.

Fibula...........A small lie.

G.I. Series....Worls Series of military baseball.

Labor Pain.....Getting hurt at work.

Rectum.........Darn near killed him...

 

Two nurses walk into a Bar........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................you would have thought that at least one would have seen it..

 

Thats all folks....B)

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I never thought you (we) are all doom and gloom. I will admit to thinking that the sense of humor that rears its lovely head here is a bit twisted from time to time, but that works for me.

 

New Englander by birth, raised all over the world, southern mountain woman by choice, now living in exile in TX - I MISS MY MOUNTAINS! And that isn't funny.

 

Now back to my interrupted cup of tea.

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I never thought you (we) are all doom and gloom. I will admit to thinking that the sense of humor that rears its lovely head here is a bit twisted from time to time, but that works for me.

 

New Englander by birth, raised all over the world, southern mountain woman by choice, now living in exile in TX - I MISS MY MOUNTAINS! And that isn't funny.

 

Now back to my interrupted cup of tea.

 

from where i am (my BOL/ retreat) the mountains are fine this morning and calling to all to come and play. They miss you too Nana.

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