Sign in to follow this  
Hossfly

Hurricane Isaac

Recommended Posts

Found this one posted on RC Forums by a buddy of mine who lives in Pensacola. He's a pro at hurricanes.

 

Actually applies to all of us on the Gulf but it's a classic and needs repeating:

 

 

Subject: Hurricane Season

 

 

 

To: Ex-Floridians, present Floridians, those who visit Florida, future Floridians or those who know a Floridian.

 

 

 

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:

 

 

 

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.

 

 

 

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.''

 

 

 

Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

 

 

 

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3. Drive to Iowa and remain there until Thanksgiving.

 

 

 

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.

 

 

 

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

 

 

 

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

 

 

 

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and (2) It is located in Iowa.

 

 

 

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.

 

 

 

So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

 

 

 

Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

 

 

 

SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets.

 

 

 

There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

 

 

 

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

 

 

 

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

 

 

 

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

 

 

 

"Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Iowa.

 

 

 

"Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.; you should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

 

 

 

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says " Florida" you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

 

 

 

HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

 

 

 

23 Flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

 

 

 

Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)

 

 

 

A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

 

 

 

A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

 

 

 

A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)

 

 

 

$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

 

 

 

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

 

 

 

Good luck and remember: it's great living in paradise! Those of you who aren't here yet you should come. Really!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Bring plenty of raw chicken for the gators Ray! LOL. If you take the metal detector to the beach, just leave it in the car... The beaches won't be sandy anymore... Just dusty. Huricanes always wash the beach away around here.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Some hurricane inspired drink recipes courtesy of Club 901:

 

 

Drink Recipes for the hurricane Season from the bar at Club 901

 

MANDATORY EVACUATION

1 1/2 oz. Absolute Ruby Red vodka

1/2 oz. vermouth

Clamato

Prune juice

Combine vodka and vermouth in cocktail glass. Fill remainder of glass

with equal parts Clamato and prune juice. Stir. Drink. Ask next-door

neighbor whose fichus tree blew over and crashed onto your roof - even though

you'd warned him for months to uproot it - if you can use his bathroom.

Repeat.

================================================== =============

CATEGORY 5

1/2 oz. vodka

1/2 oz. tequila

1/2 oz. rum

1/2 oz. bourbon

1/2 oz. gin

Sweet-and-sour mix

Splash of fruit juice

Combine vodka, tequila, rum, bourbon and gin in a tall glass. Fill

remainder of glass with sweet-and-sour mix and splash of juice. Stir, then

garnish with an inverted drink umbrella. Drink during peak storm hours, and

vow not to believe anyone who tries to tell you the hurricane that flooded

your garage and destroyed your shed was just a Category 1.

================================================== =============

CONE OF PROBABILITY (AKA Cone of Doom)

1 oz. cinnamon schnapps

1 sugar cone

Pour the schnapps into the sugar cone. Every time you hear a TV

weatherman say, "cone of probability," bite off the end of the cone

and down the shot. If you hear Jim Cantore say it, drink two shots

consecutively. (they should change this to the "Cantore Zone"... damn

him. Have you ever noticed that, despite all the cone of probability

talk, if Cantore is parked in front of your house your ass is toast?)

================================================== =============

FEEDER BAND

2 oz. Midori

2 oz. rum

1 scoop Vanilla ice cream

After your home loses power, combine Midori and rum in a cocktail

glass. Add a scoop of the vanilla ice cream that is melting in your

freezer. Stir and drink through a straw.

================================================== =============

BEACH EROSION

1 1/2 oz. Goldschläger

1 1/2 oz. apple brandy

1 pack Sugar in the Raw

Combine Goldschläger, apple brandy and sugar in cocktail glass. As you

drink, seriously contemplate moving your Yankee ass back to New York

where it belongs.

================================================== =============

DOWNED POWER LINE

1 1/2 oz. rum

5 oz. Jolt Cola

Combine ingredients in a cocktail glass. Drink while trying to figure

out how the heck you're supposed to go two freakin' weeks without

television and AC.

================================================== =============

FLOOD ZONE

2 oz. Kahlúa

2 oz. Baileys Irish cream

4 oz. rum

Serve in a 6-ounce glass and laugh-cry deliriously as the mess spills

all over the countertop.

================================================== =============

COLD SHOWER

2 oz. Blue Aftershock

4 oz. Sprite

Combine in a cocktail glass with crushed ice you received after

waiting in line for three hours at a mall parking lot. Take a deep breath, sip

and scream like a little girl when the cold beverage hits your tongue.

Repeat.

================================================== =============

LOOTERS WILL BE SHOT

1 oz. Jack Daniel's

Splash of sarsaparilla

Rock salt

Load both barrels of a shotgun with rock salt. Climb to the roof of

your house with gun, bottle of Jack Daniel's and can of sarsaparilla. Fill

shot glass with Jack and splash of sarsaparilla. Watch for looters. When

you spot one, blast his ass with rock salt. Drink shot. Repeat.

================================================== =============

THE CHAIN SAW

1 oz. Goldschläger

1 oz. Rumplemintz

3 oz. Jim Beam

Splash of vermouth

Combine Goldschläger, Rumplemintz and Jim Beam in an empty soup can.

Add splash of vermouth. Drink. Remove chain saw from garage and

attempt to cut up fallen tree limbs in yard. Ask neighbor to drive you

to hospital when it all goes horribly wrong.

================================================== =============

FOUR-WAY STOP

1 1/2 oz. vodka

1 1/2 oz. vodka and Midori

1 1/2 oz. vodka and Galliano

1 1/2 oz. vodka and grenadine

Pour each ingredient into a separate shot glass. Serve one to

yourself and three other people. The person with the clear shot of vodka drinks

first. The person to his right drinks the Midori shot, and so on. If somebody

drinks out of order, develop a quick case of road rage and beat the

living crap out of him.

================================================== =============

BLUE TARP

1 1/2 oz. Curacao

2 oz. pineapple juice

Splash of lime

Combine ingredients in a leaky paper cup and serve. Wait six to eight

months for someone to repair the cup. If you're impatient, hire an

unlicensed, out-of-state contractor to do the job for an exorbitant

sum and pray he doesn't hurt himself in the process.

================================================== =============

FEMA FIZZLE

1 oz. Southern Comfort

2 oz. sloe gin

Tonic water

One week after the storm has passed and your neighborhood is still in

ruins with no sign of help on the way, combine Southern Comfort and gin in a

cocktail glass. Fill remainder with tonic and add a dash of Angostura

bitters. Serve with a nut brownie. Before drinking, raise the glass

and say the toast, "Doing a helluva job Brownie".

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Bring plenty of raw chicken for the gators Ray! LOL. If you take the metal detector to the beach, just leave it in the car... The beaches won't be sandy anymore... Just dusty. Huricanes always wash the beach away around here.
lol good advice on the chicken Hoss! Please all of you in that area be safe! while i like findin 'treasure' the circumstances of how it came to be can be very sad.. that little gold chain or ring belonged to someone...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
lol good advice on the chicken Hoss! Please all of you in that area be safe! while i like findin 'treasure' the circumstances of how it came to be can be very sad.. that little gold chain or ring belonged to someone...

 

Ignorance can be a virtue it seems

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

After Katrina they found slot machines five miles from the casino wreckage in Biloxi. Bad news, they don't give coins these days, only tickets to be redeemed for cash. Wind about 25mph gusting to 35.. Spotty rain only.. Just waiting now... Out of boudin! Bummer! But have brats though!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

First post on this awesome forum. Howdy everyone and thank you Hossfly for showing it to me! Gonna spend tonight during the storm reading through all of the threads I can and getting up to speed, certainly will learn something.

 

Hoss, weather here is about the same as your report. So far, so good.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

And speaking of Pensacola, found this on my news app.. Sean? You gotta smack some of these nuts!

 

Coast Guard aircrews from Aviation Training Center Mobile are searching for a missing 47-year-old male jet skier off the coast of Pensacola, Fla., Tuesday.

 

Coast Guard crewmembers at Station Pensacola received the initial report from the wife of the missing man at approximately 8:30 p.m., Monday, stating that her husband was due to return home at 7:30 p.m., but hadn't arrived.

 

ATC Mobile has launched the following assets to search:

Two MH-60 Jayhawk helicopters and crews An MH-65 Dolphin helicopter and crew An HC-144 Ocean Sentry fixed-wing aircraft and crew

"The Coast Guard is making every attempt to relocate the missing person, however as Tropical Storm Isaac continues to build offshore the increasing winds and seas make search conditions extremely difficult and unsafe for aircrews," said Lt. j.g. Timothy Williams, public affairs officer with Sector Mobile. "As Isaac approaches, Coast Guard aircrews will temporarily suspend their search efforts until the storm passes and weather conditions become safe enough to resume the search."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for the welcome Mudbass7! I know I'm really gonna like it here among like minded individuals. Hossfly and I are members of another forum and he told me about this one. The other forum relates to one of our hobbies but it's heavily infested with some real dipsticks. Often hard to discuss a subject around all the loonie posts.

 

Hoss, I just saw that. Hope I don't offend any of the members on here but I gotta say this:

 

As a lifetime resident of the Gulf Coast I have seen my fair share of stupid boaters. We lose a few every year to accidents that come about by stupidity that you can't even make up if you tried. This guy, in your post above, not only wrote his own death sentence (which was his choice) but now endangers the lives of many others and millions of bucks in equipment. If I was still boating and Jet Skiing my stuff would have been out of the water and stowed last Friday. I'll shut up but could go on......and on...........and on.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
WE saw the same thing here after Katrina. As a matter of fact, my neighbors 2 houses down in both directions are NO transplants that never went home. LOTS of them here, and our crime skyrocketed too.

 

Arkansas got its share of NO rejects too. In fact, one of them robbed a bank while my mom was inside about four months after he got up here. Ironically, I had part in his arrest, lol. Interesting outcome there.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

First photo of damage here at the house........................

 

 

 

 

Just trying to inject a little humor here.

 

The storm is just hanging over NO. I've heard from a couple of friends that live there and it's looking rough for them. Not as bad as it could have been but duration is what's getting them.

post-2615-13851498198726_thumb.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
When I look out my window at the rain falling on the yard, I can watch my grass growing! It's 4 inches taller than it was yesterday! It better stop raining soon or I'll have to bush hog the yard!

 

I've told you before bud, I got some stuff at work that'll end your mowing chores forever. You can sell that riding mower and buy more guns.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Tried to talk Laurie into letting me pave the yard and paint it green.. Even offered to get Astroturf....she told me "no"... Well, she didn't use that exact word.

 

 

Riding mower? Hahahahahahah! My fat butt wishes I had a riding mower!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You have less of a fight than I do Hoss. Every time I start to open my mouth about yard work the wife gives me the stock answer: "Well, if you would let me start keeping horses again you wouldn't need to mow so often".

 

Let's see,

 

Mower: $1800

Fuel $about $6.00 a week.

 

Alternate:

 

Horses: Rough estimate $1500-$10,000

Hay : >$800/year per glue factory

Misc vet bills >$2000/year per manure producer

Horse trailer: ~$20,000

Dualie truck :$>$40,000 (This one I can live with due to the cool factor)

Emergency room bills when one of those smartasses steps on my foot: $>$1500

 

Me sneaking out in the middle of the night, packed and running for the mountains to get clear of the "ranch"........ Priceless

 

 

Rayz: I can't take credit for that. We locals pass that around after every near miss or over-hyped storm or as we like to call them "Cantore-teasers"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

one mule and as many goats as you need if there is no grass bar-b-q a couple of goats.

 

you need one or 2 boars or billies and up to 6 or more does or dame's and they give milk

 

DUH what is better than milk in a depression and cheese meat hey way better than hay burners

 

MULE 2X stronger than a horse more useful in a financial decline better health sturdier. no gas no problem

 

plow a field move a log lift a load with a block & tackle pull a trailer or a litter for a sick or injured person.

 

goats who gives a sh*t there goats they have lived on nothing in deserts and mountains

 

if you have good grass and plant some other greens they will do fine garlic is a good wormer

 

so plant a big patch for them carrots cabbage onions they will eat the roots and tops

 

waste not want not.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That's OK, I'll pass. I've dealt with plenty of the farm animals on your list. Great ideas but things haven't deteriorated to that level around here yet. If we ever get into a SHTF situation I've got the hookup on all things equine, bovine and porcine.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

  • Recent Topics

  • Posts

    • welcome to the forum there are only about 5-8 people here that post anymore but welcome nonetheless....
    • now when you say deer do you mean a slingshot with an arrow or something else?
    • Hey I am new here i go by Bishop but not new to  the survival world what I call every day Life hoping to add to the site I am interested in slingshots bows Kylie stick bolas slings atlatls blow guns camping fishing hunting traping and playing sports but not watching .
    • I am new here name is Bishop I make hunt and shoot slingshots I have taken everything from bees to deer  with a sling shot I shoot flat bands mostly if you need any advice just ask 
    • Great thread. My son is attending a higher-end university in VT. His tuition is over $60k a year - can you imagine getting out of school with almost  a quarter million dollars' debt and just starting at the bottom of the barrel? I started working construction when I was 20, learned an incredible amount, worked my ass off, and now I have a comfortable job with zero college debt.