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P210SIG

JOKE of the day. A place to make one SMILE/LAUGH/Shake their heads.

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This is for our VETs..

 

Lifes Journey is not to arrive at the Grave in a well preserved body,

But rather to Skid in sideways,

Totaly worn out,

Shouting

"HOLY SHIT.....................WHAT A RIDE"

 

Yep, and you buy the "E" ticket by placing a bet with your very life as the cost of admission. Interestingly enough, that is the same price for stay at home mom's, for preppers - actually ANYONE - who gives up satisfaction NOW for a greater good in the future.

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Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."

 

The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."

 

"Yes I do!"

 

"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"

 

"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."

 

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"

 

"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."

 

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"

 

"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."

 

"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"

 

"Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of

the cage."

 

"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"

 

"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."

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Last night, my kids & i were sitting in the living room & i said to them,

' I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine & fluids from a bottle.

If that ever happens, just pull the plug. '

 

They got up, unplugged the computer & threw out my wine!!

 

The little basterds.

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At dinner, a little boy was ordered to lead in prayer by his father.

 

 

 

Boy: But I don't know how to pray.

 

 

DAD: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.

 

 

BOY: "Dear Lord," he started, Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again! Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed yesterday. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's mobile phone and computer and provide shelter to the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work. AMEN”

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Waahahahhahhah!! You can hear the hosts laughing and giggling in the background! Supposedly the caller was serious! It's still funny! Someone had some fun with it!

 

LMAO! dr

 

Edited by desert rat

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Waahahahhahhah!! You can hear the hosts laughing and giggling in the background! Supposedly the caller was serious! It's still funny! Someone had some fun with it!

 

LMAO! dr

 

 

After that I'm going to stop prepping...it's no use there is no nope for humanity!

Edited by DonDon

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Waahahahhahhah!! You can hear the hosts laughing and giggling in the background! Supposedly the caller was serious! It's still funny! Someone had some fun with it!

 

LMAO! dr

 

 

 

Lord forgive me..BUT

 

Oh My GOD...............and she is VOTING??????????????????????????????????????

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Waahahahhahhah!! You can hear the hosts laughing and giggling in the background! Supposedly the caller was serious! It's still funny! Someone had some fun with it!

 

LMAO! dr

 

 

O my God, give this lady the darwin award for stupidness. Hey the deer can read signs, right. LOL.

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OH MY LORD! She has a license to DRIVE a motor vehicle on the same roads I use????

 

There is NO appropriate comment. Thanks for sharing .... I needed a laugh this morning. I think I'm with DonDon. There is NO hope for humanity if THIS is our future!

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Oh God! They'll spend two billion on research finding a location for deer crossings, then another 10 billion to move the signs.

 

ROTFL

 

You forgot another 20 mil trying to teach the deer to read the signs and then look both ways to make sure a car is coming. ROFL

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You forgot another 20 mil trying to teach the deer to read the signs and then look both ways to make sure a car is coming. ROFL

 

Naw, they'll give'em all cell phones. They can call each other and find a safe crossing that way.

Couldn't you just here them blowing, whistling, stomping and snorting. rotflmao

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Naw, they'll give'em all cell phones. They can call each other and find a safe crossing that way.

Couldn't you just here them blowing, whistling, stomping and snorting. rotflmao

 

Where are all those cell phone dealers? posting every where here. The deers need those phones, better head to the woods & make some sales. Alot of Buck$ kicking around, hurry.

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Two Bangladeshis, Abd-al-Rahman and Abd-al-Rashid moved to Paris where they made friends with a Frenchman named Jean-Paul.

 

They used to go all over Paris with him when suddenly one day . . . Jean-Paul disappeared.

 

The two went to the police and lodged a complaint.

 

The police asked them if they could give some vital clues about Jean-Paul that would help find him.

 

Abd-al-Rahman says . . . "Jean-Paul was handsome and tall"

Police said . . . "Most Frenchmen are like that . . . Give us something specific."

 

Abd-al-Rashid says . . . "Jean-Paul had blue eyes and was very fair"

Police say . . . "C'mon guys, lots of Frenchmen

have blue eyes and fair hair, tell us something specific"

 

Abd-al-Rahman and Abd-al-Rashid. . . "Oh yes, now we remember! Jean-Paul had two holes in his ass !!!"

 

The Policemen get really interested . . . "Now that's something very specific - but tell us, how do you know this ?? Have you guys seen it?"

 

Abd-al-Rahman and Abd-al-Rashid: "No we haven't actually seen the holes, but wherever we went with Jean-Paul, everyone used to say: "Here comes Jean-Paul with the TWO assholes."

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The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester , just off Deansgate where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

 

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

 

 

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

 

 

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

 

 

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

 

 

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

 

 

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

 

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

 

 

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

 

 

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

 

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework...

 

 

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

 

 

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

 

 

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

 

 

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.

 

The first floor has wives that love sex.

 

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

 

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the

other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go

home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I

get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I

take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I

get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes

up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

 

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the

wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up

the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands

on my wife's butt and say, 'Hey honey, wanna fool around?' ....and she's

always sound asleep."

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the

other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go

home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I

get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I

take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I

get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes

up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

 

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the

wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up

the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands

on my wife's butt and say, 'Hey honey, wanna fool around?' ....and she's

always sound asleep."

 

"Two thumbs up!" from joke critic Rod

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My wife and I car pool to work. On the radio this morning we heard about the arrest of some guy that was plotting to abduct pretty women, cook them up, and eat the tasty parts. I picked up my wife's hand, which I was holding and nibbled on her finger. I got a stern "Don't even think about it!" (True story) :o

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One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his

> pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon.

> He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

>

> "Could you taste this for me, please?"

>

> The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the

> liquid around and swallows it.

>

> "Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

>

> "No, not at all," says the chemist.

>

> "Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here

> and get my urine tested for sugar."

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A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

 

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

 

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

 

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

 

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

 

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

 

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

 

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

 

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

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One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."

 

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."

 

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

 

The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it."

 

He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.

 

His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

 

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

 

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent

 

had presented the case. His defense therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

 

The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

 

In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."

 

The defendant immediately wrote a check.

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John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock

(MADE IN JAPAN )

for 6 am ..

 

 

While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA)

 

 

was perking, he shaved with his

 

 

electric razor (MADE IN TAIWAN)

 

 

He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA),

 

 

 

designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE)

 

 

and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA)

 

 

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet(MADE IN INDIA)

 

 

he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO)

 

 

to see how much he could spend today.

 

 

After setting his watch (MADE IN HONG KONG )

 

 

to the radio (MADE IN INDIA )

 

 

he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY )

 

 

filled it with GAS (from Saudi Arabia )

 

 

and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

 

 

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day

 

 

checking his Computer ( made in MALAYSIA ),

 

 

John decided to relax for a while.

 

 

He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL ),

 

 

poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE )

 

 

and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA ),

 

 

and then wondered why he can't

 

 

find a good paying job in AMERICA

 

 

AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT

 

 

MADE IN KENYA

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