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Shelley and Donica are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Donica pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

 

Shelley: What in the hell is that?

 

Donica: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

 

Shelley: Where did you get it?

 

Donica: You can get them at any pharmacy.

 

The next day, Shelley hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

 

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

 

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

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I had a discussion with My son the other night , regarding living wills , I said to Him ,,If I ever reach a vegetative state of being , Plugged into a machine , and Receiving my Nutrients , from a bottle , I want You To be man enough to end it all for me ... Little scallywag ,,,,, He Got Up Unplugged My Computer and poured out my beer.

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Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require hip surgery.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

 

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then pending the review boards decision on his age and remaining value to society.

 

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

 

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever taken to a vet. The SECOND is a Senior Citizen on Obamacare.

 

In November if He and his Czars get another term we'll all have to find a good vet.

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George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

 

The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

...

 

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

 

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

 

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

 

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

 

The devil smiles and replies, " Since Obama took over , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

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I had a discussion with My son the other night , regarding living wills , I said to Him ,,If I ever reach a vegetative state of being , Plugged into a machine , and Receiving my Nutrients , from a bottle , I want You To be man enough to end it all for me ... Little scallywag ,,,,, He Got Up Unplugged My Computer and poured out my beer.

 

LMAO wahoo thats a good un' right there.

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George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

 

The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

 

...

 

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

 

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

 

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

 

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

 

The devil smiles and replies, " Since Obama took over , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

 

 

 

and vonbayern this is not a joke it's the veiled truth you sneaky devil you....LOL

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The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

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Two friends meet in the street. One looked forlorn and almost on the verge of tears. The other man said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."

"That's not bad."

"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."

"I'd like that."

"Last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."

"The how come you look so glum?"

"This week - nothing!"

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Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.

"You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon, and stated "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case strictly on its merits."

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Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.

"You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon, and stated "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case strictly on its merits."

 

LMAO... if it wasn't so truthful.......

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As a pilot, we have a different sense of humor. See following:

 

Non-Pilot Diary:

 

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

 

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

 

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent.

 

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.

 

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Pilot Diary:

 

Made the worst landing of my life today, but at least I got laid.

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a girl and a guy go for a walk a night

 

as thier walking along the girl thinks how romantic it is with the moon and the stars out

 

she turns to the guy and ask him what he's thinking

 

he replies: i'm wondering if someone is going to jump us from out of the bushes

 

 

that my friend is the difference between men and women

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Subject: I just got a letter from the IRS

I just received my 2011 tax return back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!!

They are questioning how many dependents I claimed. I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"

I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; Half of Mexico; 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate and 1 useless President.

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?

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Bumper sticker of the day

 

"if you don't stand up for our troops...please stand in front of them"

 

That isn't a joke ..... It should be a requirement for all those foolish ciitzens whose only desire is to get another hand out for sitting on their ass and complaining.

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I received this in an email. I think it has been around awhile but I thought you all might like it.

 

 

 

The person who wrote this is a college student. Perhaps there is hope for us after all.

 

DIVORCE AGREEMENT

 

 

THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT'S BY A YOUNG PERSON, A STUDENT!!! WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I'LL VOTE FOR HIM.

 

 

 

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al: We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

 

 

 

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

 

 

 

Here is a model separation agreement:

 

 

--Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

 

 

 

--We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.

 

 

--You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.

 

--Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.

 

 

--We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel.

 

 

--You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.

 

 

 

--We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.

 

 

--You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens.

 

 

--We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks.

 

 

--We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.

 

 

 

--You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.

 

 

--You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

 

 

 

--We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.

 

 

--You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

 

 

 

--We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Volt and Leaf you can find.

 

 

--You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.

 

 

--We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.

 

--We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem."

 

 

--I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya" or "We Are the World".

 

 

 

--We'll practice trickle-down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.

 

 

 

--Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

 

 

 

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

 

 

 

Sincerely,

 

 

John J. Wall

 

 

Law Student and an American

 

 

 

P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin & Charlie Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & ( Hanoi ) Jane Fonda with you.

 

 

 

P.S.S. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.

 

 

 

Forward This Every Time You Get It ! Let's Keep This Going, Maybe Some Of It Will Start Sinking In!!

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It is sad that this thread has sit quiet for so long, I came where to post a joke to get it going again but I can't think of one right now I guess watching the debate tonight sapped all my humor and probably intelligence......but I did find this humorous

 

http://www.fodors.com/news/jetblue-launches-election-protection-promotion-6048.html

if you go to the link for the contest it will show you the break down by destination as to the percentage of republicans and democrats who chose that destination to go to

 

We need this thread for our sanity guys, and gals!

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Good old Brits... they be smarter than I thought !!

 

 

An earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East.

 

Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured.

 

Iraq and Iran are totally ruined and the governments don't know where

to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

 

The USA is sending troops to help.

 

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

 

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

 

New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

 

The Asian continents are sending labor to assist in rebuildinginfrastructure.

 

Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

 

GREAT BRITAIN , not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.

 

God Bless GREAT BRITAIN

 

Damn, those Brits are smart !!

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Good old Brits... they be smarter than I thought !!

 

 

An earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East.

 

Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured.

 

Iraq and Iran are totally ruined and the governments don't know where

to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

 

The USA is sending troops to help.

 

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

 

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

 

New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

 

The Asian continents are sending labor to assist in rebuildinginfrastructure.

 

Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

 

GREAT BRITAIN , not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.

 

God Bless GREAT BRITAIN

 

Damn, those Brits are smart !!

 

Most excellent! :o

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Good old Brits... they be smarter than I thought !!

 

 

An earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East.

 

Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured.

 

Iraq and Iran are totally ruined and the governments don't know where

to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

 

The USA is sending troops to help.

 

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

 

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

 

New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

 

The Asian continents are sending labor to assist in rebuildinginfrastructure.

 

Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

 

GREAT BRITAIN , not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.

 

God Bless GREAT BRITAIN

 

Damn, those Brits are smart !!

Realy a great plan../can we help in sending some from Detroit??

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This is for our VETs..

 

Lifes Journey is not to arrive at the Grave in a well preserved body,

But rather to Skid in sideways,

Totaly worn out,

Shouting

"HOLY SHIT.....................WHAT A RIDE"

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