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P210SIG

JOKE of the day. A place to make one SMILE/LAUGH/Shake their heads.

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The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a Parrot into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

 

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that Parrtos do not exist.

 

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the Parrot, and they make no apologies. The Parrot had it coming.

 

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a Parrot! I'm a Parrot!"

Just for Vic9..lol...

Edited by 101matt

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An old man in his 90s marrys a young hottie in her 20s. His friend asks him so, "What's it like?"

The old guy smiles and says the sex is great. His friend looks at him for a second and says, "Aren't you afraid the stress could cause a heart attack?" The old guy thinks for a second and replys with a shrug, "Well...if she dies she dies..."

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I bought a parrot about a month ago. Today he died. I was going to sue the pet shop and decided to have an autopsy done. The results said that it died of malnutrition. Died of hunger?? I had to change the law suit. I went to the pet shop and told them what had happen and what I was going to do. The manger, a snake in the grass to be sure, told me that I did not have a case. I told him that the parrot was defective. He asked me if the parrot could talk and I said "Yes, he could". "But never did he say that he was hungry".

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So, Ralph the CEO of a very successful company, calls in his General sales manager and asks this question, "Bob, you are a fantastic sales manager, I need to ask you a question, What is two plus two?" Bob a little perplexed, said, Well Ralph, based on our latest sales forecasts, I'd have to say two plus two equals four" Ralph thanks Bob then excuses him from the office. He

then calls in Sara,his CFO,'and says, Sara, you are fantastic with our taxes and our books have never been better, Sara, what is two plus two?" Sea pulls out her tablet makes a few calculations and says, Ralph, based on our income and liabilities, two plus two equals four." Thanking Sara he excuses her from his office.

Ralph then calls David in, his attorney and chief corporate counsel. "David, I need to ask you a question,what is two plus

two?" David the attorney, immediately jumps up, runs to the office door locks it tight, barricades it with another chair, then runs to the windows, closes the blinds, then hops over his boss's desk, and takes the phone off the hook, then removes the batteries from his cell phone as well as Ralph's., finally ending up under Ralph's desk. Ralph waiting notnhearng anything finally walks over to his desk and sees David his attorney hiding under the desk, and motioning to Ralph to join unkinder the desk. Ralph grudgingly gets down and crawls under his own desk. "Holy Crap David, I asked you a simple question, what IS two

plus two?" David replies without missing a beat, "BOSS, what would YOU like it to be?"

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A Toronto man is seeking to join the Toronto Police Force.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

 

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:

 

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal Jamaican immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "

 

"Why the rabbit?"

 

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

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there once was a pirate named One Eye

 

the most blood thirsty murderous and feared pirate of the seas even his parrot Grog was

mean as hell.

 

one day One Eye was in a foul mood and slapped Grog off his perch for crapping on his boot.

Grog started saying fu@k you one eye every time he saw him after a while this became infuriating

to One Eye and he drew his knife and told Grog you damned feathered ass you say that one more time and you'll never say it again well Grog was just as stubborn as One Eye was crazy and said it again.

One Eye snatched up the parrot and cut out his tongue put him back on his perch and asked

what have you got to say now!

Grog still shaking from pain folded his little claw into the finger gesture and placed it over his eye and leered at him and grunted uk oooo un I.

 

I guess that is where the legless parrot joke started?

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"Three Medieval Kingdoms On The Shores Of A Lake" joke

 

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.

The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.

When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in).

The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

 

source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/joke/Three_Medieval_Kingdoms#ixzz1xrxsyQ1J

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The Arrogance of Authority

 

 

 

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.

 

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

 

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

 

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"

 

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

 

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!

 

No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

 

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

 

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

 

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

 

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

 

(I just love this part....)

 

"Your badge, show him your f*ckin' BADGE........ ! !"

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The Arrogance of Authority

 

 

 

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.

 

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

 

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

 

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"

 

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

 

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!

 

No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

 

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

 

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

 

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

 

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

 

(I just love this part....)

 

"Your badge, show him your f*ckin' BADGE........ ! !"

 

 

Thanks, snorted tea all over myself!

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State of Alert

 

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon though security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Tad Bit Cross.” Londoners have not been “A Tad Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

 

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Surrender” and “Collaborate.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

 

It’s not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

 

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”

 

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

 

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

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BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT

 

 

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

 

 

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.

8 years old,

Hateful little bastard.

Bites!

 

FREE PUPPIES

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

 

FREE PUPPIES.

Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.

Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

 

 

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.

Also 1 gay bull for sale.

 

 

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

Must sell washer and dryer £100.

 

 

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .

Worn once by mistake.

Call Stephanie.

 

**** And the WINNER is... ****

 

FOR SALE BY OWNER.

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.

Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

 

Statement of the Century

 

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.

 

"If women are so perfect at multitasking,

How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Children Are Quick

____________________________________

 

TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)

___________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....

______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..

Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

 

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people

are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

__________________________________

Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.:rolleyes:

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Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris.

*

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

*

"German," she replies.

*

"Occupation?"

*

"No, just here for a few days."

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I was at a mall recentely..

A female teenager with spiked hair sat down near me in the food court,her hair was died blue,green,yellow,orange in the spikes..I could not keep my eyes of that site.She noticed and said"What old man?Havent you ever done anything outrageous?????

 

Why yes I have!

I screwed a Parrot once and I thought YOU might be MY Daughter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I was at a mall recentely..

A female teenager with spiked hair sat down near me in the food court,her hair was died blue,green,yellow,orange in the spikes..I could not keep my eyes of that site.She noticed and said"What old man?Havent you ever done anything outrageous?????

 

Why yes I have!

I screwed a Parrot once and I thought YOU might be MY Daughter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

101matt,

That is priceless!!! I knew you could do parrot.

 

 

ON NE PASSE PAS !

Edited by VIS 9

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