Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
P210SIG

JOKE of the day. A place to make one SMILE/LAUGH/Shake their heads.

479 posts in this topic

I have learned not to trust parrots on this thread.

 

 

Talking Parrots

 

 

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

 

I have two female parrots,

 

But they only know to say one thing.'

 

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

 

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

 

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

 

Then he thought for a moment.....

 

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

 

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

 

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,

And your parrots are sure to stop saying ... that phrase ... in no time.'

 

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

 

The next day,

She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....

 

As he ushered her in,

She saw that his two male parrots

Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...

 

Impressed,

She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

 

After a few minutes,

The female parrots cried out in unison:

 

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

 

There was stunned silence...

 

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

 

'Put the beads away, Frank,

Our prayers have been answered!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Cletus is passing by Billy Bobs hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says, What the heck are you doing Billy Bob?

Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the snot outta me! exclaims Billy Bob. Then, obviously embarrassed, he says, Me and the old lady have been having trouble lately in the bedroon department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Cletus is passing by Billy Bobs hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says, What the heck are you doing Billy Bob?

Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the snot outta me! exclaims Billy Bob. Then, obviously embarrassed, he says, Me and the old lady have been having trouble lately in the bedroon department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.

 

No parrot jokes... ?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(Well then...time for the obligatory blond joke or two, I think, while we find some more parrots.)

 

There were three guys who worked together in construction, building skyscrapers. One was a red haired Irishman, the second was a black haired Mexican, and the third was a blond guy from somewhere in Ohio. One day, the three of them were sitting on a steel girder, thirty stories up, getting ready to eat their lunch.

 

The Irishman opened his lunch pail and said, "Corned beef and cabbage, again? I hate corned beef and cabbage. I swear to God that if I find corned beef and cabbage in my lunch again, I'll throw myself off this building!"

 

The Mexican opened his lunch pail and said, "Enchiladas and rice, again? I hate enchiladas and rice. I swear to God that if I find enchiladas and rice in my lunch again, I'll throw myself off this building too!"

 

The blond guy looked in his lunch pail and said, "Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, again? I hate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. If I find peanut butter and jelly in my lunch again, I'll throw myself off this building too!"

 

The next day, the three of them sat down on the girder for lunch.

 

The Irishman looked inside his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage again, and promptly threw himself off the building. The Mexican looked inside his lunch box, saw enchiladas with rice again, and threw himself off the building too. The blond guy looked where the other two men had fallen to their deaths, then checked his own lunch box. Seeing a peanut butter and jelly sandwich waiting for him, he sighed and threw himself off the building.

 

There was big funeral for all three men, and their wives all gathered together for support after the service.

 

"Lord," cried the wife of the Irishman, "if I had known he hated corned beef so much, I'd have given him something else for lunch!"

 

"Lord," wailed the wife of the Mexican, "if I knew he was sick and tired of enchiladas, I would have fixed him something else too!"

 

The wife of the blond man said nothing, until she noticed the other wives staring at her.

 

"Don't look at me," she said, "my husband always packed his own lunch."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was difficult work at his age, because the ground was hard. His only son, who used to help him in the garden, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son, explaining the predicament.

 

"Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomatoes this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know that if you were here, my troubles would be over. You were always a good son, happy to dig up the garden for me. Love, Papa"

 

A few days later, the old man received a short letter from his son.

 

"Papa, don't dig up the garden, that's where I hid the bodies! Love, Vinnie"

 

At 4 AM the next morning, the old man was woken up by the arrival of the FBI and local police. They went over every inch of his garden, digging and searching, but found nothing. By lunch time they gave up, apologized to the old man and left.

 

The next day another letter arrived from his son:

 

"Papa, go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That was the best I could do, under the circumstances. Love, Vinnie."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was difficult work at his age, because the ground was hard. His only son, who used to help him in the garden, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son, explaining the predicament.

 

"Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomatoes this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know that if you were here, my troubles would be over. You were always a good son, happy to dig up the garden for me. Love, Papa"

 

A few days later, the old man received a short letter from his son.

 

"Papa, don't dig up the garden, that's where I hid the bodies! Love, Vinnie"

 

At 4 AM the next morning, the old man was woken up by the arrival of the FBI and local police. They went over every inch of his garden, digging and searching, but found nothing. By lunch time they gave up, apologized to the old man and left.

 

The next day another letter arrived from his son:

 

"Papa, go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That was the best I could do, under the circumstances. Love, Vinnie."

 

now that's convict mentality right there you may stick them in prison but as long as they are alive

they are going to work their magic.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Did they have a Parrot?

 

The reason the Parrot forgot his lines is because he has Polymnesia.

Edited by VIS 9

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars.""Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."The man asked about the next parrot on the perch."That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot."That one costs 2,000 dollars.""And what does that one do?" the man asked.The owner replied, "To be honest, I`ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars.""Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."The man asked about the next parrot on the perch."That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot."That one costs 2,000 dollars.""And what does that one do?" the man asked.The owner replied, "To be honest, I`ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

 

The last Parrot must have been a female.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses.

 

On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

 

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

 

The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."

 

They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

 

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"

 

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.

 

"No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

 

"Okay, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

 

"No problem -- it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

 

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

 

"Consider it done," the genie replied.

 

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

 

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

 

The husband looked at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

 

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

 

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

 

"Thirty-five," she replied.

 

"And he still believes in genies? ... That's amazing."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The Pope dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. Saint Peter welcomes him with a big hug and a smile.

 

"Welcome, welcome!" he says, motioning for some angels to come forward. "Let's get you a halo, some wings and a harp, then I'll take you to your mansion."

 

The Pope is quickly clothed in angelic finery and Saint Peter leads him through the streets of Heaven. Beautiful mansions are everywhere, and he admires them as they pass each one. They come to a mansion that is many times larger than the rest, positively towering over the others and lavishly decorated in gold and silver.

 

To the Pope's surprise, they walk right on past it, and Saint Peter doesn't say anything about it.

 

"Excuse me, Peter," says the Pope, "but did we perhaps take a wrong turn or something?"

 

Peter checks his list and frowns, "No, you're right here on my list. The little blue estate down here by the bay, we're almost there. Why do you ask?"

 

The Pope waves his hands around at all of the other homes, and then to the largest one.

 

"Well, I was the Pope, so I thought perhaps that one was mine."

 

Saint Peter smiles, shaking his head. "Oh no, that one belongs to a Lawyer. We get lots of Popes up here, but not many attorneys..."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers?

 

Well, here it is:

 

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time - pancakes, ice cream, candy… -- just him and his granddaughter.

...

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast.

 

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. "Not really, Pa Pa, it was really boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, lesbian, piece of crap, horse's ass, liberal pinko democrat Obama lover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

 

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Butler Ford and TPSnodgrass like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Democracy.....substitutes election by the incompetent many for the appointment by the corrupt few. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

 

I drink to make other people more interesting.

 

I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just.

 

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; Now I believe it.....and the only thing that saves us from the bureaucracy is its inefficiency.

We have a crisis of leadership in this country. Where are the Washingtons, the Jeffersons and the Jacksons? I'll tell you where they are.....they are playing professional football and basketball.

What we need in this country is more unemployed politicians.

It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty and common decency. This in and of its self makes me forever ineligible for any public office.

Edited by VIS 9
additional thought

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London when Paddy looked in a shop window and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".

 

Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of them and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. When we go in I'll put on my best English accent. You stay quiet! Let me do all da talking, 'cause if they hear our accents, they will know we are from Ireland and try to rip us off."

"Roight y'are, Paddy. I'll keep me mouth shut," said Mick.

 

They go in and Paddy said in his best English voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each."

 

The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"

 

"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"

 

The owner replied, "We're dry-cleaners".

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Two hillbilly come down the mountains to visit the bigg city, after a day or two they are broke, down to there last $5, one say to the other" give me the money I have on idea" so he takes the money and walks in to a store, a few minutes later he returns with a Box of tampons and his friend asks him what those are and he replies" I'm not sure but the box says with these you can go horseback riding, swimming, jet skiing, dancing............

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Adam and eve are in the garden of Eden and eve runs up to Adam and points in her lap and say" Adam, Adam help me, I don't know what to do I'm bleeding all over the place" well Adam was busy so he told her " ahhh I'm busy go wash off in the river or something!" a few minute go by and God comes down and stands be fore Adam with a un happy look on his face and keeps looking towards the river and shaking his head, well Adam sees this and asks " God, you look displeased" " yeah Adam" was the reply...." Eve came to you with a problem right?" ....." yes lord she did" ......" and what did you do Adam?" ....."I told her her to wash in the river lord"....." Exactly Adam do you know how long it will take to get the smell out of those fish!!!!!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

1 + 2 = 3

 

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working...

 

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.

 

His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers.

 

In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

 

 

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

 

 

After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

 

 

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

 

 

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

 

 

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

 

 

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise; Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?

 

'WHAT WAS IT?'

 

 

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Lawyer's Dog

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"

 

"Absolutely," the lawyer responded.

 

The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."

 

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.

 

The contents reads "Consultation: $25.00."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There was a contruction worker who was working on a building when he fell 15 stories to his bloody death.

 

He arrived at the pearly gates and St. Peter said "Oh, I am sorry, my son. But you have been sentenced to hell."

 

The worker agreed - not like he could do anything else - and he was on his way.

 

When he arrived, the devil looked at him and said, "Ah! A new slave. We shall burn you and throw you in the fiery pits."

 

Then the worker replied, "That wall could use a bit of patching. I could fix it first and you could throw me in the pit afterward." So he fixed the wall.

 

Satan, intrigued, asked, "What else can you build?"

 

So the construction worker went about his job and made many improvements; in fact, by the time he was done, hell was a paradise. It had air conditioning, pools, balconies, you name it.

 

Within a few days, God phoned Satan and said, "I think there has been a mix-up. That worker was originally supposed to come to heaven."

 

Satan replied, "No way -- he's built all sorts of useful stuff for us. We're keeping him."

 

God then said, "Oh, yeah? Well, I'll see you in court. We're going to sue you for this man's soul and damages."

 

Satan just laughed: "And where are you going to find a lawyer?"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0

  • Recent Topics

  • Posts

    • fox news has problems but it far better than those other commy channels i think. i agree the cartoon channel would be time well spent...  
    • I just want to know, who the hell is running Fox News ? seems like they pick up the people that all the other channels throw out. Today it was Paula Dean the "N" word lady she was a darling of the Democratic party until it leaked out she had use the "N" word and all her loving democrats turned on her but, true to form Fox News picked her up and brought her in.  Then there is Mark Furman another person that was accused of racial slurs back during the O.J. trial.  And Juan Williams just one more hunk of disingenuous diatribe, if it were not for Fox News these lack luster individuals would be on food stamps but OH NO Fox News to the rescue. off all the left wing nuts they have to get Juan Williams hell I don't think Don Lemon is a ludicrous as Juan. There have been some left wing contributors that are more fair and reasonable but they are not good enough for Fox they have to find the most obnoxious ones to be contributors that twist any information into a attack on the Conservatives more than a few are hacks IMHO. This morning was a total waste of time and Paula Dean was cackling and making silly comments I thought either she was having a stroke or been hitting the cooking sherry kinda hard, Maybe one of the Fox News executives had stock in all that Paula Dean cook wear.     All I can say is if it were not for Tucker Carlson Laura Ingram and Judge jeanine Pirro and a few others I would rather watch the cartoon channel and, that woman that does the weather, is it just me or is she OCD ?
    • French riots a perfect example of survival misunderstanding. Let me state that each situation can only be defined after the fact, survival is not a matter of just training it is a mindset. The people in all the cities effected by the riots in France are hostages in their homes and as they try to stay out of the way, the protesters are burning their vehicles. So what happens when your town goes up in flames ? all your property is destroyed and you have no way to escape, roads are blocked rioters are attacking vehicles overturning them and putting them to light. Survival is not just about your life it is about your property because that is how you stay alive is to have the means to continue on water food medications clothing blankets and enough to barter with. Skills are great the more you have the more your going to be an asset or be able to trade your services for barter goods, but that is only part of the problem many skills are useless in a national emergency where going out risks your life and who will defend hearth and home against a horde of stupid people ? These riots have hidden criminal activities like looting and I am just as sure all the other crimes of man, consider you have enemies this is when they can do harm and think it will be covered by the fog of social unrest. As far as I can tell this is happening in many cities along the coast not just Paris this is a reality that once civil unrest takes hold it will take off like a wild fire. these same things are happening in Venezuela there are murders daily kidnapping and blackmail roving gangs own the night and the police are not interested in making calls by victims. Ambulance calls after dark or in a riot area pretty slim. This is why people need to have water storage and filtration to last at minimum a month food medications and alternative sources for heat and some type of battery operated fan with a solar charging system because in summer heat kills the sick elderly and the very young. I could go on forever on what France and it's politics have done to screw up the world and then drop it into others hands to try to solve and it blew up in all their faces. all those museums and fine buildings were bought with the blood of millions and the press is ignorant or refusing to see what brought them to this place. People destroy their own nations either by apathy or willful ignorance we are at that point if, we do not change and demand / expect better from out children as we see from the ANTIFA crowds and the heavy vote in elections of blatant ignorant socialists, our youth are baseline morons we the parents have allowed it we have supported the schools colleges and turned a blind eye to their riots and destruction many adults are acting more like children smoking dope and taking Viagra like there are no repercussions on the youth watching our debauchery. We are all leaders it is just what direction we are leading to heaven or hell.   
    • I just tried Arcolinux pretty good operating system. I was having a few issues with my other system and decided it was time to try another Linux version.