JOKE of the day. A place to make one SMILE/LAUGH/Shake their heads.

[Drew_Forge 194]

14 minutes ago, juzcallmesnake said:

you know that is so weird that most everyone gets that, there has got to be millions of doctors named Patel all over the world.  must be a very smart and prolific family I know "MANY" named Patel here in Texas.

Actually, I was liking the joke, not the Patel comment, though I suppose that's applicable too!

[TPSnodgrass 454]

Patel, Gupta...one of those guys!

[juzcallmesnake 1,514]

8 hours ago, TPSnodgrass said:

Patel, Gupta...one of those guys!

one of my doctors is named Gupta LOL...

[juzcallmesnake 1,514]

MY EX-WIFE THE PILOT

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Rotherham because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren't with her.

The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating).

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.



She was really lucky.

 

 

 

[P210SIG 778]

How to go to Heaven from Ireland   I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they  understood the concept of getting to heaven.   I asked them,  'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'   'NO!' the children answered.   'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything  tidy, would that get me into heaven?' Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile.   ' Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children,  and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'  Again, they all answered 'No!'.   ;   I was just bursting with pride for them.   I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'   A six year-old boy shouted out:   " YUV GOTTA BE FUKN' DEAD.........."

[P210SIG 778]

Jewish Comedian

                         
                              Do  you remember the old-time Jewish comedians of Vaudeville days -  Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny  Youngman, Myron Cohen and others? You may have only heard of them,  but don't we all miss their kind of humor? Not a single swear word  in their comic routines:
              
       *  A car hit an elderly Jewish man The paramedic says, "Are you  comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
       
         *  I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the  airport.
         
         *  I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds  out, she'll kill me!
         
         *  What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making  love? "Honey, I'm home."
          
       *  Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The  thief spends less than my wife did.
           
       *  We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
           
       *  My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls  it the Dead Sea ...
        
         *  My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night.  This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and  cried.
      

        *  My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the  estimate.
       
       *  She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell  off.
        
         *  The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his  bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
         
         *  The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came  back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"
           
       *  Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See!  What did I tell you?"
           
       *  A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc,  how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles  me!"
           
       *  Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't  answer!"
        
         *  A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been  brought here for drinking." The drunk says,
"Okay, let's get  started."
         
         * Why  do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
           
       *  Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
           
          *The  Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like  Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is  because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
         
         *There  is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In  Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it  graduates from law school.
         
        Q  : Why don't Jewish mothers drink? 
A  : Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
        
         Q  : Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror  movie? 
A  : It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."
           
       Q  : Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? 
A  : They never let anyone finish a sentence.
           
       Q  : What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? 
A  : Facing Bloomingdale's.
           
       A  man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?" Not too  good," said the mother. "I've been very weak. " The son said, "Why  are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."  The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"  The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in  case you should call."
        
         A  Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two  choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.
           
       A  Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part  in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the  part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back  and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
        
         Q  : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? 
A  : Under the vacuum cleaner.
           
       Q  : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? 
A  : (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a  nuisance to anybody."
           
            
       A  Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his  birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother  says, "What's the matter already? Didn't you like the blue  one?"
        
         Did  you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the  street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force  yourself," she replied.
         
         Q  : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish  mother? 
A  : Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
         
         Q  : Why are Jewish Men circumcised? 
A  : Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20%  off.
        
 

[Butler Ford 76]

LMFAO!!!  Love it!  I can hear it now.

 

BF

[juzcallmesnake 1,514]

It is too bad that comedy has turned into childish curse fest as every foul word is coated with laughter and jokes with any reference to ethnicity is politically correctly sneered and jeered at even if the comic is of that group.

overly sensitive nanny state safe space PC social justice warriors remind me of the old joke ----

Why does a drunks marital partner wants the lights off when they have sex ? because they can't stand watching a drunk have a good time !

I think we should call them Anal retentive warriors as the definition fits

Definition of anal–retentive   psychoanalytic theory

exhibiting or typifying personality traits (such as frugality and obstinacy) held to be psychological consequences of toilet training —often used in nontechnical contexts to describe someone as extremely or excessively neat, careful, or precise

[Butler Ford 76]

2 hours ago, juzcallmesnake said:

overly sensitive nanny state safe space PC social justice warriors

Most accurate description I've heard

BF

[DonDon 115]

On March 23, 2017 at 6:16 AM, Butler Ford said:

LMFAO!!!  Love it!  I can hear it now.

 

BF

....yeah but some how it's in the voice of George Burns....

 

[P210SIG 778]

Police Dog On a Plane

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. 
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poo on the seat.
The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'
The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

 

[wally 430]

honesty

 

Yup, some people can’t handle the truth!

 

My Favorite Animal 
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." 
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. 
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. 
I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA He said they love animals very much.

 

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

 

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. 
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. 
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. 
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. 
She sent me back to the principal's office. 
He laughed, and told me not to do it again. 
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. 
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous military person I admired most. 
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." 
Guess where the heck I am now…

[P210SIG 778]

LOL. 

 

[P210SIG 778]

Oops, Ha Ha .

I had to watch it a few times.

A bloopers classic made in this video.

I was expecting a cannon to shoot a Ram 1500 Truck. LMAO .

 

[juzcallmesnake 1,514]

It has been said that America always does the right thing, but only after they have exhausted all other options.

When Nasa first began sending astronauts into space, they were confronted by a small problem. Their standard ballpoint pens would not work in space. They spent a decade and twelve million dollars designing a pen that would work below three hundred degrees, in space, and on glass.
Russia used a pencil.

 

Daddy, what are those two spiders doing," she asked? "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top," she asked? "A Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs," the little girl asked?
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat. "Well," she said, "that may be OK in California, but we're not having any of that crap here in Texas."

[juzcallmesnake 1,514]

This is pretty edgy BUT since the NFL is starting to loose money because of the taking a knee issue they need to cut one team and do some rule changes.

Here are some of the ideas, first they want to cut one team and in doing so merge 2 teams the Green bay packers and the Tampa bay buccaneers and call them the Tampax, the rule changes are only one period and no second string and that is how they think they can save the NFL.

[wally 430]

i would like that but i ran outa likes for the day here at survivalcache.... 

[juzcallmesnake 1,514]

20 minutes ago, wally said:

i would like that but i ran outa likes for the day here at survivalcache.... 

me too dagnabit

[P210SIG 778]

 

A Love Story

   I will seek and find you.

 

   I shall take you to bed, and have my way with you.

 

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

 

  I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.   

 

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved

   when I'm  finished with you.

 

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

 

All my love,

 

signed:   The Flu

 

Now,   stop   thinking  about sex,

and go get your flu shot!

    

Maybe not!

[juzcallmesnake 1,514]

Today Charles Mason died,   bout time crazy b@stard.

the joke is,  what do you get when you cross Manson with a box of Fruit loops -

a cereal killer .

Jeffrey Dahmer now has a date for the prom.

.

[P210SIG 778]

GOOGLE PIZZA 

 

CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?   GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.   CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.   GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.   CALLER: OK.. I would like to order a pizza.   GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir? CALLER: My usual? You know me?   GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.   CALLER: OK! That’s what I want …   GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?   CALLER: What? I detest vegetables.   GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.   CALLER: How the hell do you know?   GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.   CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza!  I already take medication for my cholesterol.   GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.   CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.   GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.   CALLER: I paid in cash.   GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.   CALLER: I have other sources of cash.   GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.   CALLER: WHAT THE HELL?   GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.   CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me   GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first.  It expired 6 weeks ago…

 

[P210SIG 778]

The Indian with one testicle.

 

There was an Indian  who had only one Testicle.

And whose given name was Onestone.

He hated that name & asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years & years of torment, Onestone finnaly cracked & said, if anyone calls me  Onestone again I will kill them.

The word got around & nobody called him that anymore.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot & said, Good morning , Onestone.

He jumped up, grabbed her & took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day & all night.

He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what He promised he would do.

Years went by & no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird , who was Blue Birds cousin, was over joyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him & said , Good to see you Onestone.

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest.

Then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die.

Why???

Oh , come on.... Take a guess!!!

Think about it !!!

Your going to love this !!!

Everyone knows.

YOU CANT KILL TWO BIRDS WITH ONESTONE !!!

 

[juzcallmesnake 1,514]

Nancy Pelosi and Maxine Waters -- they are both jokes

[juzcallmesnake 1,514]

A chameleon walks into a bar. Bartender says, “If your wife calls, I didn’t see you.”

 

[wally 430]

You see, doctor, I’m always dizzy for half an hour after I get up in the morning,” said Carla. 

"I have the solution for you," replied the doctor. 

"Really, what is it?" 

“Well, try getting up half an hour later.