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P210SIG

JOKE of the day. A place to make one SMILE/LAUGH/Shake their heads.

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14 minutes ago, juzcallmesnake said:

you know that is so weird that most everyone gets that, there has got to be millions of doctors named Patel all over the world.  must be a very smart and prolific family I know "MANY" named Patel here in Texas.

Actually, I was liking the joke, not the Patel comment, though I suppose that's applicable too!

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MY EX-WIFE THE PILOT

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Rotherham because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren't with her.

The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating).

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.



She was really lucky.

 

 

1446462463808-1_image001.jpg

 

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How to go to Heaven from Ireland
 
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they 
understood the concept of getting to heaven.
 
I asked them,  'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
 
'NO!' the children answered.
 
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything 
tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile.
 
' Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, 
and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?' 

Again, they all answered 'No!'.   ;  

I was just bursting with pride for them.
 
I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'
 
A six year-old boy shouted out:  

" YUV GOTTA BE FUKN' DEAD.........." 

 


 

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Jewish Comedian

                         
                              
Do  you remember the old-time Jewish comedians of Vaudeville days -  Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny  Youngman, Myron Cohen and others? You may have only heard of them,  but don't we all miss their kind of humor? Not a single swear word  in their comic routines:
              
       
*  A car hit an elderly Jewish man The paramedic says, "Are you  comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
       
         
*  I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the  airport.
         
         
*  I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds  out, she'll kill me!
         
         
*  What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making  love? "Honey, I'm home."
          
       
*  Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The  thief spends less than my wife did.
           
       
*  We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
           
       
*  My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls  it the Dead Sea ...
        
         
*  My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night.  This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and  cried.
      

        *  My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the  estimate.
       
       
*  She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell  off.
        
         
*  The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his  bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
         
         
*  The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came  back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"
           
       
*  Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See!  What did I tell you?"
           
       
*  A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc,  how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles  me!"
           
       
*  Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't  answer!"
        
         
*  A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been  brought here for drinking." The drunk says,
"Okay, let's get  started."

         
         
* Why  do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
           
       
*  Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
           
          
*The  Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like  Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is  because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
         
         
*There  is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In  Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it  graduates from law school.
         
        
Q  : Why don't Jewish mothers drink? 
A  : Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

        
         
Q  : Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror  movie? 
A  : It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."

           
       
Q  : Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? 
A  : They never let anyone finish a sentence.

           
       
Q  : What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? 
A  : Facing Bloomingdale's.

           
       
A  man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?" Not too  good," said the mother. "I've been very weak. " The son said, "Why  are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."  The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"  The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in  case you should call."
        
         
A  Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two  choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.
           
       
A  Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part  in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the  part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back  and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
        
         
Q  : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? 
A  : Under the vacuum cleaner.

           
       
Q  : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? 
A  : (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a  nuisance to anybody."

           
            
       
A  Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his  birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother  says, "What's the matter already? Didn't you like the blue  one?"
        
         
Did  you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the  street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force  yourself," she replied.
         
         
Q  : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish  mother? 
A  : Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

         
         
Q  : Why are Jewish Men circumcised? 
A  : Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20%  off.

        
 
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It is too bad that comedy has turned into childish curse fest as every foul word is coated with laughter and jokes with any reference to ethnicity is politically correctly sneered and jeered at even if the comic is of that group.

overly sensitive nanny state safe space PC social justice warriors remind me of the old joke ----

Why does a drunks marital partner wants the lights off when they have sex ? because they can't stand watching a drunk have a good time !

I think we should call them Anal retentive warriors as the definition fits

Definition of anal–retentive   psychoanalytic theory

exhibiting or typifying personality traits (such as frugality and obstinacy) held to be psychological consequences of toilet training —often used in nontechnical contexts to describe someone as extremely or excessively neat, careful, or precise

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