Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
P210SIG

JOKE of the day. A place to make one SMILE/LAUGH/Shake their heads.

463 posts in this topic

14 minutes ago, juzcallmesnake said:

you know that is so weird that most everyone gets that, there has got to be millions of doctors named Patel all over the world.  must be a very smart and prolific family I know "MANY" named Patel here in Texas.

Actually, I was liking the joke, not the Patel comment, though I suppose that's applicable too!

juzcallmesnake likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

MY EX-WIFE THE PILOT

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Rotherham because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren't with her.

The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating).

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.



She was really lucky.

 

 

1446462463808-1_image001.jpg

 

wally likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

How to go to Heaven from Ireland
 
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they 
understood the concept of getting to heaven.
 
I asked them,  'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
 
'NO!' the children answered.
 
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything 
tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile.
 
' Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, 
and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?' 

Again, they all answered 'No!'.   ;  

I was just bursting with pride for them.
 
I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'
 
A six year-old boy shouted out:  

" YUV GOTTA BE FUKN' DEAD.........." 

 


 

juzcallmesnake and Butler Ford like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Jewish Comedian

                         
                              
Do  you remember the old-time Jewish comedians of Vaudeville days -  Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny  Youngman, Myron Cohen and others? You may have only heard of them,  but don't we all miss their kind of humor? Not a single swear word  in their comic routines:
              
       
*  A car hit an elderly Jewish man The paramedic says, "Are you  comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
       
         
*  I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the  airport.
         
         
*  I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds  out, she'll kill me!
         
         
*  What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making  love? "Honey, I'm home."
          
       
*  Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The  thief spends less than my wife did.
           
       
*  We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
           
       
*  My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls  it the Dead Sea ...
        
         
*  My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night.  This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and  cried.
      

        *  My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the  estimate.
       
       
*  She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell  off.
        
         
*  The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his  bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
         
         
*  The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came  back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"
           
       
*  Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See!  What did I tell you?"
           
       
*  A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc,  how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles  me!"
           
       
*  Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't  answer!"
        
         
*  A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been  brought here for drinking." The drunk says,
"Okay, let's get  started."

         
         
* Why  do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
           
       
*  Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
           
          
*The  Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like  Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is  because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
         
         
*There  is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In  Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it  graduates from law school.
         
        
Q  : Why don't Jewish mothers drink? 
A  : Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

        
         
Q  : Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror  movie? 
A  : It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."

           
       
Q  : Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? 
A  : They never let anyone finish a sentence.

           
       
Q  : What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? 
A  : Facing Bloomingdale's.

           
       
A  man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?" Not too  good," said the mother. "I've been very weak. " The son said, "Why  are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."  The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"  The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in  case you should call."
        
         
A  Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two  choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.
           
       
A  Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part  in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the  part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back  and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
        
         
Q  : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? 
A  : Under the vacuum cleaner.

           
       
Q  : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? 
A  : (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a  nuisance to anybody."

           
            
       
A  Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his  birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother  says, "What's the matter already? Didn't you like the blue  one?"
        
         
Did  you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the  street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force  yourself," she replied.
         
         
Q  : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish  mother? 
A  : Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

         
         
Q  : Why are Jewish Men circumcised? 
A  : Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20%  off.

        
 
wally and juzcallmesnake like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It is too bad that comedy has turned into childish curse fest as every foul word is coated with laughter and jokes with any reference to ethnicity is politically correctly sneered and jeered at even if the comic is of that group.

overly sensitive nanny state safe space PC social justice warriors remind me of the old joke ----

Why does a drunks marital partner wants the lights off when they have sex ? because they can't stand watching a drunk have a good time !

I think we should call them Anal retentive warriors as the definition fits

Definition of anal–retentive   psychoanalytic theory

exhibiting or typifying personality traits (such as frugality and obstinacy) held to be psychological consequences of toilet training —often used in nontechnical contexts to describe someone as extremely or excessively neat, careful, or precise

Butler Ford likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Police Dog On a Plane

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. 
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poo on the seat.
The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'
The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
 
wally likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
honesty
 
Yup, some people can’t handle the truth!
 
My Favorite Animal 
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." 
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. 
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. 
I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA He said they love animals very much.
 
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
 
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. 
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. 
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. 
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. 
She sent me back to the principal's office. 
He laughed, and told me not to do it again. 
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. 
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous military person I admired most. 
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." 
Guess where the heck I am now…
Butler Ford and P210SIG like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0

  • Recent Topics

  • Posts

    • Earthquakes 38,997 in the past 365 days   _ Well that has always been, your just fear mongering WELL here is proof  Science states Earthquakes have increased over 200% Luke 21:11 and there will be great earthquakes, and in various places plagues and famines; and there will be terrors and great signs from heaven.
    • I've completed a few armour steel knives that I made from AR-500 & AR-650 steel. Also made a Wakazashi from AR-500 with Kevlar handle. Have pictures that I would love to show & inspire fellow members to make things with their hands. My issue is that I've always had trouble posting pictures on this site. Help needed posting these Armour steel edge weapons. 
    • plums are one you need to keep planting from seed ad stagger over years as for no reason some just die their life span is 5 to 7 years it appears peaches need pruning smoking o keep off fungus and then a constant vigil against squirrels I just keep propagating everything and keep it separated in corners so if one batch gets a problem I can either try to treat it and if that does not work I can burn them off and blackberries dont die from cutting or burning they do not like herbicide in strength.  all I can say is try for winter garden crops send in your soil to your local farm bureau and see what if anything your soil needs for what your growing most times it is calcium and phosphorus potash magnesium I get mine from Epsom salt plain tums antacid is good quick calcium bone meal is for long term gardening is not for the meek or weak it is hard work and fickle weather not enough minerals wrong moon phase when planting change in jet stream brings in high winds that spread weeds or uncommon not local fungus insects or grass seeds and it's on like donkey kong one year we had a hail storm turned everything into a green ooze and killed cattle & horses busted fence post to the ground and beat the tin off part of the barn as well as made us re-roof the shingles on the house lucky the vehicles and tractors were under cover trees looked like winter set in but next year everything busted out like nothing happened in fact it seemed like everything had more foliage nature has its way another thing I always till the old greenery back in to the soil as soon as it looks like it is done fore before it dies off it is also good to have a couple of garden plots you need to let one go fallow every 7 years (Biblical)   lime is good incase your soil is to acidic your local ag extension can clue you in on anything you can explain I need to call mine as I can't raise cucumbers to save my life --- so far
    • New Chinese shipping container pod full O missiles so every shipping freighter is now a problem these rockets can go 400 miles in 10 seconds I only post this now because is is widely known but this is the future of hostile weapons and North Korea China and Iran know this as well so for all the stupid people that think a country has to have a ballistic system capable of thousands of miles your idiots these can be shipped trucked from a friendly port. as many vessels that carry a contingent of political ambassadors and other reasons may not or could be excluded from searches.  China has a container that is capable f controlling 4 other container weapons and can launch multiple types of rockets missiles decoys etc etc . or Multiple munitions from a single rocket. South of the boarder  Rafael south American military industrial complex Other packages can be stuffed into these taco's or eggrolls or spring rolls depending on the origin of these little beauties. the left better pull their head out of their azz and wake up as well as the lame fake news media. we still have no idea of where approximately  199 suitcase nukes are lost in the 1980's nor a box car of other things that went missing when the former USSR fell every country under it's control had arsenals of all kinds of party favors. Janes directory of military hardware and Popular science and a few other sites can educate people to new technology I am very very disappointed at the Fitzgerald because it make us America look like a bunch of rubes billions of dollars or R&D years of testing trials and this ship cost between 1.7 billion to 2 billion dollars and cannot evade a floating barge it is more than a challenge to wrap my mind around especially once you see the Satellite track of the ACX Crystal it appears to have purposely diverted from course and intentionally rammed the Fitzgerald then took a 90 degree diversion then altered course north east then doubled back south west then south back toward the Fitzgerald and NO repeat NO signal supposedly came from the Fitzgerald but from the ACX Crystal and with a time discrepancy of over an hour and there had to be backup weather hand held or alternate communications onboard  not to mention if the alphabet soup watch all and knows all why was a strike on a 2 billion dollar vessel not noticed were they watching miley cyrus twerking  GPS military is within 1 foot where are all the billions of dollars pissed away by our government going who the hell watches the watchers and why have a few hundred people tasked to watch and duty it is to protect and defend our people in harms way ? I want heads to roll court-marshals satellite companies fined engineers fired tracking and control officers and staff stripped of their classifications in all levels that had access to this intel in eal time because now who in the hell believes we are a world power this makes us look like a paper tiger run by fools and every company that had a hand in building that ship should be drug through the ringer fined fired from government contracts restricted from bids if their equipment was at fault and it should ba open transparent and all the guilty should be made public. Why am I so upset because those 7 people were left to drown to save the other on that ship locked in waiting to die all the while knowing what would happen once that hatch was closed and probably in the dark looking for air pockets trying to stay alive hoping beyond hope some one could break through or find an alternative hatch and get them out from a stranger than fiction supposed accident General Keene his version read like a script all the traffic could be seen on satellite in real time and he said "it was dark" 2 billion dollars cutting edge radar sonar and other computers a 360 degree bubble for out to at least 60 miles and that is what he had to say ? Susan Rice was more believable when she said Benghazi was started by an Internet video. we need to start calling him Susan and the other dip in the road Admiral John Kirby then press secretary under Obama his fictional account ought to win him a Pulitzer prize his acting an Oscar IMHO. if we ever need 3 test pilots to fly a rocket ship to  Uranus John McCain General Keene and Admiral Kirby  just to round out the crew Nancy Pelosi can run communications as she is an anus here maybe she can communicate with the Uranuses there.  Just a thought and an opinion I could or could not be mistaken or have misspoke about this poor misunderstood people