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A man went into a restaurant which was offering a fixed-menu, three-course meal. When the waiter brought the first course, the man tasted it and said: "What is this?''

 

The waiter replied: "It's bean soup.''

 

 

 

 

The man then said: "I don't care what it's been. What is it supposed to be now?''

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JEWISH POKER CLUB

 

Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

 

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

 

At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"

 

They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

 

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

 

Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

 

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

 

"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.

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How many pool players does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One to change the bulb and four to stand around going "pffffffft, I can do that"
 
If someone from the 1950s suddenly appeared, what would be the most difficult thing to explain about life today? One answer: “I possess a device in my pocket that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man. I use it to look 
at pictures of cats and get into arguments with strangers.”
 
Textpectation (n.): the anticipation felt when waiting for a response to 
a text.
 
Question: Why did the chicken go to a se'ance ?
Answer:    to get to the other side.
 
Question: How many Telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb ?
Answer:    Only one but she has to do it while your eating dinner.
 
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors ? because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan

 

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Mujibar Gets a Job

 

 

*Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .*

 

*The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests,

except one.*

*It is a simple test of your English language skills.*

*Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'*

*Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'*

*The manager said, 'You must make a sentence using the words YELLOW ,

PINK , and GREEN .' *

*Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am

ready.' *

*The manager said, 'Go ahead.'.*

*Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes GREEN, GREEN , and I PINK it up and

say, YELLOW , this is Mujibar.'*

*Mujibar now works at tech support for your internet company.*

 

 

*Perhaps you have spoken to him.*

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Canada always willing to help.

 

 

The Prime Minister of Canada,

Justin Trudeau, met with the President

of the United States and strongly

supported the war on terrorism.

 

Prime Minister Trudeau issued the following statement:

 

CANADIANS WILL HELP AMERICA WITH THE WAR ON TERRORISM. WE HAVE PLEDGED 2 WARSHIPS, 600 GROUND TROOPS, AND 6 FIGHTER JETS.

 

 

 

 

AFTER THE AMERICAN EXCHANGE RATE, THEY WILL END UP WITH 2 CANOES, 6 MOUNTIES, AND A BUNCH OF FLYING SQUIRRELS.

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The judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks,

"What are the grounds for your divorce?"

"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."

The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip

hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."

The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?"

"Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!"

“Please tell me why in hell do you want a divorce?”

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does.

The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."

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Three knots...

 

Arnold & the prostitute

 

Arnold, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks in Dartmouth once more, for old times sake and some hot sex.

 

He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age,

but needing some reassurance, he asks,

 

 

' How am I doing? '

 

The prostitute replies,

' Well Arnold, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots. '

 

 

' Three knots? ' he asks.

 

' What's that supposed to mean? '

 

 

She says,' You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back. '

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A man went in to a restaurant and ordered alphabet soup. The man's alphabet soup was in front of him when a bee went inside. 

The man cried out, "Waiter, Waiter, there's a bee in my alphabet soup!" 

The waiter said, "Yes, sir, and I believe all the other letters are there too."

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: Smiles 2017 they would eventually find me attractive

 

 

 

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

 

I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

 

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

 

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

 

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

 

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

 

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

 

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

 

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

 

I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

 

Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.

 

I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.

 

Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

 

You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

 

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

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An uneducated father with his educated son went on a camping trip. They set-up their tent and fell asleep.

Some hours later, the father woke up his son.

Father - Look up to the sky and tell me what you see.

Son - I see millions of stars.

Father - And what does that tell you?

Son - Astronomically, it tells that there are millions of galaxies and planets.

Father slaps the son hard and says - "Idiot, someone has stolen our tent".

MORAL:

Too much education can spoil our common sense.

 

Don't Laugh Alone Share it

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An uneducated father with his educated son went on a camping trip. They set-up their tent and fell asleep.

Some hours later, the father woke up his son.

Father - Look up to the sky and tell me what you see.

Son - I see millions of stars.

Father - And what does that tell you?

Son - Astronomically, it tells that there are millions of galaxies and planets.

Father slaps the son hard and says - "Idiot, someone has stolen our tent".

MORAL:

Too much education can spoil our common sense.

Don't Laugh Alone Share it

When I go winter camping I'm going to sleep in a igloo.

We'll see if the thieves can steal it.

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An Indian Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in US so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100

 

A American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic...

 

*Lawyer* : "I have lost my sense of taste"

 

*Indian doctor* : "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth"

 

*Lawyer* : "Ugh..this is kerosene"

 

*Indian doctor* : "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20"

 

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money...

 

*Lawyer* : "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything"

 

*Indian doctor* : "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth"

 

*Lawyer (annoyed)* : "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste"

 

*Indian doctor* : "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20"

 

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

 

*Lawyer* : "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all "

 

*Indian doctor* : "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100"

 

*Lawyer (staring at the note)* : "But this is $20, not $100"

 

*Indian doctor* : "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

 

*You can't beat the doctor* !!!!!

 

Don't know who wrote this.. Hats off to him......

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