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Queen Elizabeth And

Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.


Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.



The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?

I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.

She wees into a toilet and she gets in!

Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,


A Royal Flush


Beats a Pair

No Matter How Big They Are.

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Today's Thought



Since nearly everyone has an interest in education I thought this may explain the changes in teaching from the middle of last century through to the middle of this.

1. Teaching Maths In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1970s


A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1980s


A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit ? Yes or No


4. Teaching Maths In 1990s


A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


5. Teaching Maths In 2000s


A logger cuts down a

beautiful forest because he is selfish and

inconsiderate and cares nothing

for the habitat of animals or the

preservation of our woodlands.

He does this so he can make a profit of

$20. What do you think of this

way of making a living? Topic for

class participation after

answering the question: How did the birds

and squirrels feel as the logger

cut down their homes? (There are no

wrong answers, and if you feel

like crying, it's ok).


6. Teaching Maths In 2050


هاتشيرو تبيع كارلواد من نهاب 100 دولار . تكلفة الإنتاج هو 80 دولاراً . كيف الكثير من المال ولم؟

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Medicare - Australian Style...Good one




The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,


"Mrs. Sanders, please."


"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.

When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a

biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well......


We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.

Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.


"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the

other one tested positive for HIV.

We can't tell which is which."


"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.


"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests



"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"


"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off

somewhere in the middle of town.


If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him

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Husband to wife, "Today is a fine day." ?


Next day he says, "Today is a fine day." ?


Again next day, he says the same thing, "Today is a fine day." ?



Finally after a week his wife can't take it and asks, "Since last week you are saying, today is a fine day. I'm fed up. What's the matter?"?



Husband, "Last week when we had an argument you said, "I will leave you one fine day. I was just trying to remind you." ?

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Priceless joke


Love this one!


One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.


"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. ou definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."


Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.


"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."


The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.


"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.


The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.


Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."


The devil smiled and said...........

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

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from survival creed...



Remember, a few years ago when pro golfer Tiger Woods crashed his Cadillac Escalade?



Isn't it amazing that within a week the press found every woman with whom Tiger had an affair during the previous few years?



They even uncovered photos, text messages, recorded phone calls, etc.!



Furthermore, they not only knew the cause of the family fight, but they even knew it was a 9 iron from his golf bag that his wife used to break out the windows in the Escalade.



Not only that, they know which wedge!



And, each and every day, they were able to continue to provide America with updates o n Tiger's sex rehab stay, his wife's divorce settlement figures, as well as the dates of



t ournaments in which he planned to play.



Now, Barack Hussein Obama has been in office for over six years, yet this very same press :



Cannot find any of his childhood friends or neighbors;



Or find any of Obama's high school or college classmates, or any of his former girlfriends;



Or locate any of his college papers or grades;



Or determine how he paid for both a Columbia and a Harvard education;



Or discover which country issued his visa to travel to Pakistan in the 1980s;



Or even find Michelle Obama's Princeton thesis on racism.



They just can't seem to uncover any of this.



Yet, the public still trusts that same press to give



them the whole truth!


Don't you find that amazing ?

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Funny Wally.


Freedom it seems as if it does not apply to those who do not see things your way so they want the freedom to force you into their way of acting or thinking.


America the free LMAO the lunatics are running the asylum and they really think they with all their pushing shoving and insulting that they are going to force us to love and accept them one day someone will bake a dirt nap cake they have only themselves to blame but they won't they will yell racism intolerance homophobia zealot but never that THEY are thieves, they steal from all of us the right to think and act as we please to do with our businesses and homes to buy sell or rent to whom we choose.

These people are no better than Nazi's and just as stiff necked and brutal if given a chance they are going to destroy a womans business and dream

they are EVIL instead of finding a person or business that wants to they choose to force people to the point of bankruptcy this is extortion under the guise of freedom and acceptance.


Consider the possibilities if someone hates your guts do you really want them serving you or responsibility of honoring your warranty ?

looking after your children being your doctor lawyer teacher ? if so and you think they law can help or save you,  your a damn fool IMHO.



The next President of the United States imagine this in the great hall along with the portraits of Washington Jefferson etc.



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A child asked his father, “How were people born?”

So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”

The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”

His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

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Yesterday I was sitting at a long stop light, thinking about what I would do to keep busy during retirement, minding my own business and patiently waiting for the light to turn green, even though there was no on-coming traffic.


An old Nissan full of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next to me.


Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to America!" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler truck came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.


For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man, that could have been me!" So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver!

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***** Penis Van Lesbian *****


A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway , he had the right credentials . The agent asked, "What's your name?"


The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian ."


The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into

Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."


"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."


The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian ! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."


"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he

Left the agent's office.


FIVE YEARS LATER......The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...


Dear Sir,


Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in

Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused


You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said.

I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.

I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.


Thank you for your advice.




Dick van Dyke

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