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The Geography of a Woman

 

ENJOY !

 

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN:
 

Between 18 & 22, a woman is like Africa.

Half discovered, half wild, fertile & naturally Beautiful !

 

Between 23 & 30, a woman is like Europe.

Well developed & open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

 

Between 31 & 35, a woman is like Spain.

Very hot, relaxed & convinced of her own beauty.

 

Between 36 & 40, a woman is like Greece.

Gently aging but still a warm & desirable place to visit.

 

Between 41 & 50, a woman is like Great Britain.

With a glorious & all conquering past.

 

Between 51 & 60, a woman is like Israel.

Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

 

Between 61 & 70, a woman is like Canada.

Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

 

After 70, she becomes Tibet.

Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past & the wisdom of the ages.

An adventurous spirit & a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

 

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:

 

Between 1 & 80, a man is like North Korea & Zimbabwe; ruled by a pair of nuts.

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I had a dream the other night I was in the old west riding in a stagecoach, when a rider on a horse pulled up on the right and a riderless horse

pulled up on the left.

 

As I watched the rider on the horse open the door and stepped in and then opened the other door and mounted the riderless horse running along

on the other side.

 

before he rode off I yelled, "what the hell was that all about ?"

 

He said, " Nothing  just a stage I am going through"

 

Damn old cowboy movies make me have CraZy dreams, Ride on hoppy, lash, and Hi Ho Silver Away !

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British  Weather.

 

 

The Meteorological Office announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as English Weather.

Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as: ' Muslim Weather '

( Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite )

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PROSTITUTE'S  TAX  RETURN..... and her  CPA.

 

 

A woman walks into an accountant's office & tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

 

The accountant says, " Before we begin, i'll need to ask you a few questions. "

 

He gets her name, address etc. And then asks, " What your occupation? "

" I'm a prostitute ," she says.

 

The accountant is somewhat taken back & says, " Let's try to re-phase that."

 

The woman says, " OK, I'm a high-end call girl ".

" No that still won't work. Try again. "

 

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, " I'm an elite poultry farmer."

 

The accountant asks, " What does poultry farming have to do with being a prostitute ? "

" Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year. "

 

" Poultry Farmer it is. "

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Irish Lubricant

 

 

Murphy's old lady had been pregnant for some time & now the time had come.

He bought her to the doctor & the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, & the doctor looked over  at Murphy & said.

' Hey, Murphy!  You just had a son, ! ' Ain't  that grand, !

 

Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up & said.

 

Hold on! We ain't finished yet.!

The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, ' Hey Murphy! You got a daughter. !!!

She is a pretty little thing too...'Murphy got kind of puzzled by this & then the doctor said.

' Hold on, we aint got don't yet,!

The doctor then delivered another boy & said, Murphy, you just had your self another boy.!

 

Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?

The doctor said, ' You never know Murphy, it was probably something that happened during conception.'

Murphy said, ' Ah yeah, during conception.'

 

When Murphy & his wife went home with their 3 children, he sat down with his wife & said,

' Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline & we had to use dat dare 3-in-1 Oil.

 

She said,  'Yeah, I remember  dat night...'

 

Murphy said, I'll tell you....... it's a freaking good thing we didn't use WD-40.

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THE   HOOKER

 

 

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.

 

"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.

 

"$100" she replies.

 

In broken English, he says, " Do you do immigrant style?"

 

"No" she says.

 

"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."

 

"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

 

"I pay you $300,"

 

"No," she says.

 

"I pay you $400."

 

"No," she says.

 

So finally he says, " OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style".

 

She thinks, "well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now.

I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world.

How bad could immigrant style be?"

So she has sex with him.

 

Finally, after several hours, they finish.

 

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him & says,

"Hey, I was expecting something perverted & disgusting.

But that was ok, So, what exactly is immigrant style?"

 

The illegal immigrant replies, " You send bill to Government."

 

 

AND  THAT,  MY  FRIENDLY  TAXPAYERS,  IS  EXACTLY  WHAT  THE  ILLEGAL  IMMIGRANTS  ARE  DOING  TO  US !

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New meaning for Concealed Carry? A true story.

 

 

Gives New meaning to " concealed carry ! "

 

Stolen weapon found during search at Tennessee jail.

 

April 22--A 19-year old Tennessee woman had a loaded handgun hidden in her vagina when she was brought into jail yesterday afternoon following a collar for driving with a suspended license, police report.

As Dallas Archer was being booked into the Kingsport jail, a female corrections officer alerted to an "unknown object" in the teenagers crotch during a search.

The jailer & a female cop then accompanied Archer to a bathroom for further examination, a review that led to the recovery of a

"North American Arms 22LR revolver ( loaded) which Miss Dallas had concealed in her vagina." according to a Kingsport Police Department report.

A subsequent check revealed that the 5 shot mini-revolver, which is 4 inches in length, had been " stolen from an auto burglary in 2013."

The handgun, which police valued at $250, is owned by John Souther, a 70 year old retired car salesman.

In a TSG interview, Souther said that the gun was taken from his 1994 Mustang, which was "ransacked" last year while parked in his Kingsport carport.

Souther said that police told him that the revolver had been recovered, but offered no further details, "Oh, gosh."

He noted that he would eventually like " the little fellow " returned, but added that the weapon would require " a bath in bleach."

News of the weapon in Archers vagina was first reported by the Kingsport Times News.

Archer, was charged with gun possession & introducing contraband into a penal facility.

According to a jail official, Archer was released from custody after posting a $6,000 bond.

 

Posted one-liners. A few relate to the article, so read it first!

 

1/  I thought it was her gun. Turns out it was snatched!

2/  Gives new meaning to a gun having a " hair trigger "

3/  Happiness is a warm gun?

4/  At 4 inches in length it comes off as half cocked...

5/  " For sale NAA 22LR never used, still in the box."

6/  Report reads, "  Introducing contraband into a penal facility."

     Shouldn't that be ' penile  ' facility?

7/  If it went off, could you call it her " boom box "?

8/  Remember ; Every vagina is to be treated as if it is loaded.

     Always keep it pointed in a safe direction.

9/  They say it was a gun, but something smells fishy.

10/   You can have my gun when you can pry it from my cold, stinking.....

11/ Oh my... accident waiting to happen. Could ' shoot the beaver '.

12/ I have heard of shooting your mouth off, but this takes on a "hole" new meaning...

13/ Complete reversal on the classic, "is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"

14/ I wonder if she had ' gun-areah'?

15/ Gives a whole new meaning to "Vaginal Discharged".....

16/ Do you suppose she had a 'rectal reloader'?

17/ A gun in hand is worth 2 in the bush?

18/ Figures ....it uses 'rim shot' ammo.

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At  Cannibals  Restaurant

 

 

A cannibal was walking through the jungle & came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down & looked over the menu.....

 

Tourist: $5.00

Broiled Missionary: $10.00

Fried Explorer: $15.00

Baked LIBERAL, Grilled CONSERVATIVE, or Sautéed NDP: $100.00

 

The cannibal called the waiter over & asked,

" Why such a high price for the Politicians? "

 

The cook replied,

" Have you ever tried to clean one?

They're so full of SHIT, it takes all morning."

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72 Virgins

 

 

A suicide bomber died & went to heaven, as foretold.

When he arrived there, he met Allah, & he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his virgins, as promised.

Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven.

 

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied. " Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasures of sex.

So you're here to service them.

Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; & frankly you'll be on constant, exhausting duty.

And I shall banish you from paradise should you fail ! "

 

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that.

How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

 

And Allah replied,

 

"Who said they were women" ?

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Sex after death...

 

 

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back & inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was he first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact: " Marion, Marion. "

" Is that you , Bob? "

" Yes, I've come back like we agreed. "

" That's wonderful ! What's it like? "

 

Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast & then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun & then have sex a couple of more times...

Then I have lunch ( you'd be proud - lots of greens ).

Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

After supper, it's back to golf course again.

 

Then it's more sex until late at night.

I catch some much needed sleep & then the next day it starts all over again.

 

" Oh Bob ! Are you in Heaven? "

 

" No... I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona. "

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Medical Service in Canada.

 

 

Who said that health care in Canada was not up to par???

A Muslim immigrant in Toronto goes to the doctor & says " I feel terrible "

The doctor examines him & then says; " You need to pee & put your

bowel movements in a bucket for a week, then throw in a dead fish &

some rotten cabbage. Then put a towel over your head & inhale the

vapors for three days. "

The Muslim does this & goes back to the doctor 3 days later & says " I

feel wonderful ! what was wrong with me? "

The doctor replied, " You were homesick. "

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Husband to his wife: " Honey...I've invited a friend home for supper."

Wife: " What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty & I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal ! "

Husband: " I know all that. "

Wife: " Then why did you invite a friend home for supper? "

Husband: " Because the poor fool is thinking of getting married ! "

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The Barter System

 

Yesterday morning here in Nepean I bought two cases of beer on sale at the Beer Store. I placed them on the front seat and headed back home.

 

I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

Although it was cool she was wearing a very short skirt and a light shirt which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.

With her bra-less breasts almost falling out her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ....

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"

 

 

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