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GOING  TO  HEAVEN  FEET  FIRST.

 

 

* WHAT  PART  OF  YOUR  BODY GOES  TO  HEAVEN  FIRST ? *

 

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning & she asked the question, ' When you die & go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first.

 

Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy ?

 

Suzy replied: Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you  & God takes your hand first.

 

What a wonderful answer, the nun said.

 

Little Johnny raised his hand & said, Sister, I think it's your feet.

 

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

 

Now Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet ?

 

Johnny said: Well, I walked past Mom & Dad's bedroom the other night.

 

Mom had her legs up in the air & she was saying,

 

" Oh God !  I'm coming ! "

 

If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her.

 

The nun had to leave the room.

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Childbirth

 

Amazing how children think, :D just love her answer. :rolleyes:

 

Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3 year old girl to hold a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

 

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed & pushed & after a little while, Connor was born.

 

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet & spanked him on his bottom.

 

Connor began to cry.

 

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help & asked the wide-eyed 3 year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded,

 

" He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place...........Smack his arse again ! "

 

If you don't laugh at this one there is no hope for you.

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True story, while in the USAF, I was relieving a fellow airman at an isolated back gate to a SAC AF base. At about 0200 in the wee dark hours of the morning, I saw a minivan weaving and swerving as it approached the gate at high speed. The van screeched to a halt, and a tiny but very pregnant Asian woman from Thailand with a van load of little kids swiveled herself to me. Her vcan door was open, and she WAS having a baby right then and there. She said,." I have baby, YOU catch!!"  I did and was treated to a great deal of kibbutzing from ALL of Mom's children who were not ashamed to tell me how I screwed up Mom's delivery. Dad was on an extended TDY remote so wasn't available. Her son was "caught" in my MA-1 flight jacket(which I donated to the family cause after their son arrived unscheduled.

As I think about it now...it was funny and terrifying at the same time. He was the first baby I delivered on the job, the second one was far easier.

I did use all of my baby delivery training and guessed at the rest. I didn't eat for about three days after that delivery, first time I ever experienced "child birth", and yes, I only went to ONE of our three.(and don't feel a damn bit guilty about it either.) I could handle fresh and not-so-fresh homicide scenes without any squeamish-ness, but not childbirth, that makes me go weak at the knees. Guess I'm a closet wimp.

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It's all mind over matter.

If you don't mind, it doesn't matter at all.

Funny thing I've noticed with some people I know is that, they will eat chicken, rabbit, fish, deer, moose etc.

When they see it being killed in front of them & cut to portions for a meal, these people will not touch/consume it. LOL.

A lot of the younger generations don't have a clue where their food comes from or how its harvested for food. LMAO.

These people have the out of sight, out of mind mentality.

I call them SHEEPLE !

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I have reached a point as long as it is not someone very close it does not bother me a recent accident got me 20 stitches and still had to

 

hang out at the horse-pital 2 days w/ a pressure bandage as it cut an artery and a week of gradual pressure bandaging baxk at the ranch.

 

I had to hold pressure in the ambulance as it was like a high pressure sprinkler stikk made a hell of a mess.

 

the lady doc looked a bit shaken when she could not get it to slow and the surgeon was a prick he mentioned my other scars and

 

asked if I cut myself often what a dipsh*t instead of asking he  jumped to a conclusions,  he will go far under obummer care.

 

If your not impressed or praising them or have more than a superficial knowledge doctors are quick to get testy or consider you

 

in a skewed light after I told him to kiss my posterior and that all my records from the VA were on file with his hospital he shut up.

 

and at leaast most all of my scars are in the front, after I said that he left.  I got underwear older than he was

 

kids today LMAO....

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Sochi that's not on CBC.

 

Taking or giving one for the Team ? 

 

Is this what Olympians do in their other workouts at Sochi ?

 

Parental Guidance.

 

One could only imagine the ratings.  

 

Now Russia wants to Fu@k UKRAINE !  

 

Fu@king  Funny.

 

Da / Nat,   Yes / No

 

You be the JUDGE !  It's a SCORE !

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w4f_CWtRIJU&feature=player_embedded#t=13

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Throw Away The Key.

 

A man was telling his buddy, " You won't believe what happened last night.....

My daughter walked into the living room & said.

' Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, & my laptop. Please take any of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters.

Then sell my car, take my front door key away from me & throw me out of the house.

Then, disown me & never talk to me again.

And don't forget to write me out of your will & leave my share to any charity you choose."

 

" Holy Smokes," replied the friend.

" She actually said that?"

 

" Well, she didn't put it quite like that, she actually said.....  ' Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammed.

We're going to work together on Justin Trudeau's Liberal election campaign ! "

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Enlightened isn't that what you do to make sure you crap in the commode instead of the tub when your half asleep?  I just use a night light.

 

bumper stickers that I did not have room for

 

Forget about World Peace....visualize using your turn signal.

 

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

 

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

 

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

 

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

 

 

Although not a joke BUT right now all these so called psychics, automatic writers, tarot readers, and mediums

 

could really get popular if they could find that lost jet,  seems that no one else can.

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Them grey aliens zapped that lost jet into outer space.

That's my thought. I could be wrong, I don't have all the answers. Only God knows.

About 10 years ago maybe longer, a bunch of teenaged kids in Ontario, Canada were on a boat in lake Ontario that disappeared some how.

Their was a search for these kids with no answer as to where about they are.

Till this day they haven't been found yet.

Makes me wonder if this lost jet as another case disappearance by the greys.

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I try not to speculate, but try this on for size

 

The jet has a catastrophic cabin failure the fuselage is ripped away {like the Hawaiian airlines jet} would kill or remove all the crew and maybe

 

even a steward or stewardess now you have no experienced crew and cockpit damage was well as electrical failures.

 

or like the O2 cylinders that caught fire there are a few possibilities other than the T word.

 

as I recall the stewardess was sucked out of the plane and more would have been had they not been buckled in.

 

Ok, now at least this answer one question now let us take it one more step say the portion of the fuselage struck

 

and damaged the tail section this would account for the erratic flight with no crew or severely injured remnant are fighting

 

To control the aircraft with damaged instruments and no way to verify altitude, pitch roll and yaw the altitude would have been erratic.

 

with the cabin hammered with tornado force winds how is anyone able to see or operate the controls add in other damage

 

And you have a nightmare scenario and should a pilot been on-board, he like another plane incident they used the engines and flaps

 

to guide the plane as the other controls were damaged.

 

I do not discount the takeover scenario, but let us look at that if you're going to steal an aircraft why would you take a passenger plane

 

this would attract huge amounts of resources all the while hundreds of non passenger flights that would suffice just as well are

 

not considered if the people how overtook the plane were so sophisticated and using specialized knowledge and have an Uber brain pan

 

falls flat if someone considers it is going to be used for a "platform" still beacons and locators would have to be replaced as a large 

 

blip would have to be ID ed in airspace only one idea comes to mind and I would not post it.

 

I am horrified that direct flights from unfriendly nations have not been suspended completely all the while grandma is getting a

 

proctological exam as far as I can see everything is cosmetic and it is going to bite us in the azz IMHO.

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Silverado 1500

 

I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new Silverado 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct.

 

The salesman seemed like a nice guy, (a black man wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) he sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.

 

The seats were of particular interest.  He explained that the seats directed warm air to your rear end in the winter and directed cool air to your rear end in the summer heat.

 

Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.  Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.

 

I explained that if it were an Obama truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass all year-round.

 

I had to walk back to the dealership. Son-a-bitch had no sense of humor.

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Texas A&M University recently had its PolySci department complete a survey of all 44 presidents and their achievements.  Imagine their surprise when they discovered that Obama came in 5th place.

 

The breakdown was as follows:

 

  1.  Tie between Ronald Reagan and  Abe Lincoln.
  2.  Tie between 13 former presidents
  3.  Tie between 27 other former presidents
  4. Jimmy Carter
  5. Barack Obama

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A teacher was working with underprivileged children, trying to broaden their horizons and understanding through sensory exploration.

 

With their eyes closed, they would feel objects like  pumice stones to pine cones smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruit.

 

Then one day the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more life savers than you could ever Imagine.

 

The teacher asked the children to close their eyes and taste these announced the teacher,

 

Without difficulty they managed to identify the lemon, cherry, mint and others But when the teacher had them put in a honey flavored

 

they were all stumped and could not give an answer.

 

The teacher decided to give them a hint, " it is something your mother or father might call each other all the time"

 

Instantly Johnny spit it out and screamed at all the other children quick spit them out there  azzholes.

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The Irishman & the Mirror

 

 

 

After living in the countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.

 

In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror & looks into it.

 

Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image starring back at him.

 

' How ' bout that ! he exclaims, ' Here's a picture of my Fadder.'

 

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, & every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there & look at it.

 

His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.

 

So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed & found the mirror.

 

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, ' So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with.'

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