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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.


Robot for sale.








If your not " Physically Fit ", then your just Food for the Zombies.LOL.

In GOD I Trust, Everyone else keep your hands where I can see them!

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Morning Coffee in Rome


Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.


The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."


The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."


The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."


The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."


Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"


She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,









24"WAIST and 36"HIPS.







When she walks into a room, people say, "Jesus !".










If your not " Physically Fit ", then your just Food for the Zombies.LOL.

In GOD I Trust, Everyone else keep your hands where I can see them!

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1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a hair dryer At Passing Cars..... See if they slow down.


2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.


3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.


4. Put Decaf In the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.


5. In the memo field of all your checks, write ' For Marijuana'.


6. Skip down the hall rather than walk and see how many looks you get.


7. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.


8. Specify that your drive-through order is 'To Go'.


9. Sing along at the opera.


10. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you have a headache.


11. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won, I won."


12. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling 'Run for your lives! They're loose!'


13. Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.'




And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity - - - -











If your not " Physically Fit ", then your just Food for the Zombies.LOL.

In GOD I Trust, Everyone else keep your hands where I can see them!

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Retirement can be entertaining if you let it.


Dear Mrs. Smithe,


Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":


1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.


2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-

minute intervals.


3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the

women's restroom.


4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official

voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the

employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.


5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of



6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.


7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the

children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and

blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children



8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began

crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

Emergency Medics were called.


9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.


10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he

asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.


11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly

humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.


12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.


13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed

through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'


14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!


15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.


And last, but not least:


16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited

awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in

here.' One of the Staff passed out.


I can hardly wait till I can retire.

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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.


Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an azzhole.

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wonder if it would work for our welfare / food stamp program here


like the recent story of the surfer that gets food stamps because he does not work therefore does not have a job / income


premo zero {0} por espanol


like press 1 if your too lazy to work


press 2 if your a hooker on the side and need to augment your income


press any number multiple times if your stoned


press 4 if you want to add another out of wedlock child on to your food stamps.


press 5 if your a school teacher and need help filling out the form.


press 6 for hindi


press 7 for farsi


press 8 for swahili


press 9 for any other language


press 10 if your a government worker {that ought to keep them busy for hours no 10 on a phone}

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Teacher: What's wrong??


Johny: Our house is very small.

Me, my mum & my dad, we sleep on the same bed.

Every night my dad asks, "Johny are you sleeping..?? "

Then I say no & then he slaps my face & gives me a black eye.


Teacher: Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet & don't answer.


The next morning Johny comes back with a severe black eye again.


Teacher: My goodness why the black eye again..??


Johny: Dad asked me again, Johny are you sleeping..??

& I shut up & keep dead still.

Then my dad & my mom started moving.

You know, at the same time mom was breathing eratically,

Kicking her legs up frantically & squealing like a hyena on the bed.

Then my dad asked my mom, are you cuming..??


Mom said: Yes I'm cuming, are you cuming too..??


Dad answered: Yes.


They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said,

Wait for me, I'm also Coming..!!


LOL !!!

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This one is priceless. A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!


A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.


Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.


The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.


Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Baptist minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.


The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.


The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen

which read:


To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: March 21, 2012


I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.


I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.


P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!

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I have been watching the debate over obummercare and this is the nearest thing to how I see the argument.


Democrat is at the counter the Irate customer is a Republican ticked off about obummercare / affordable care act.



If the link does not work look up " The Parrot Sketch " on youtube

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Gay Ranch Hand


A successful Texan rancher died & left everything to his devoted wife.


She was a very good looking woman & determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.


2 cowboys applied for the job. One was gay named Horse & the other a drunk.


She thought long & hard about it, & when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.


He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day & knew a lot about ranching.


For weeks, the 2 of them worked, & the ranch was doing very well.


Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, " You have done a really good job, & the ranch looks great. You should go into town & kick up your heels. " The hired  hand readily agreed & went into town one Saturday night.


One o'clock came, however, & he didn't return.


Two o'clock & no hired hand.


Finally he returned around two-thirty, & upon entering the room, he found the ranch's  widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.


She quietly called him over to her.


" Unbutton my blouse & take it off," she said.


Trembling, he did as she directed. " Now take off my boots."


He did as she asked, ever so slowly. " Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently & placed them neatly by her boots.


" Now take off my skirt."


He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.


" Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told & dropped it to the floor.


Then she looked at him & said, " If you ever wear my clothes into town again , You're  fired."


( P.S, - I did not see it coming either.)

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He's My Brother - This is Priceless



Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked a box of tampons & preceded to the checkout counter.


The man at the counter asked  the older boy, " Son, how old are you? "


" Eight, " the boy replied.


The man continued, " do you know what these are used for ?"


The boy replied , " not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four.

We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim & ride a bike.

Right now, he can't do either. "

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The Aliens and the gas pump

Two Aliens land in Detroit, next to a Gas station. The Aliens waddle

out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that

resembles a being is the Gas pump. The two Aliens approach. The

first one says "Earthling take me to your leader!"


He gets no response. The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses

the pump again. "Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!"


Still no response. The first Alien then turns to the second and says

"If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect I'm going to blast

him!" . The second Alien replies "O.K. but, I'm just going to stand

down on the next block." The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but

waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses

the pump a third time. "Earthling take me to your leader!"


No response. The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump.

After the explosion the Alien gets up dusts himself off then goes down

the block to his buddy, He then says to the second Alien "If you knew

that was going to happen why didn't you warn me?"


The second replies " I didn't know what was going to happen, but I'm

not going to mess with anyone who's penis can hang to the ground, wrap

around his body twice, and still stick it in his ear!"





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APPLE does it again!



Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store high fidelity music in a women's breast implants.


The " ITit " will cost between $499.00 & $699.00 , depending on speaker size.


This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women have always complained about men staring at their tits & not listening to them.

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A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.


She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.


She immediately moved to another seat.


This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.


On the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, She complained to the driver & he had the man arrested.


The case came up in court.



The judge asked the man ( about 20 years old ) what he had to say for himself.


The man replied,  Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help notice her condition.


She sat down under a sign that said, " The Double Mint Twins are coming " & I grinned.


Then she moved & sat under a sign that said, " Logan's Liniment will reduce that swelling, " & I had to smile.



Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, " William's Big Stick Did the Trick, " & I could hardly contain myself.


But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time & sat under a sign that said,


" Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident " I just lost it.




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A missing hinge.



I was installing a new door on the bathroom & found that one of the hinges was missing. I asked my wife, Mary, if she would go to Home Depot & pick up a hinge. She agreed to go.


While she was waiting for the manager at Home Depot  to finish serving a customer, her eyes caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.

When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, " How much is that faucet? "


The manager replied. " That's a gold plated faucet  & the price is $500


Mary exclaimed, " My goodness, that's an expensive faucet... certainly out of my price range."


She then proceeded to describe the hinge that I had sent her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock & went into the storeroom to get one.


From the storeroom the manager yelled. " Ma'am, you want a wana screw for that hinge?"


Mary shouted back. " no, but I will for the faucet."


This is another reason why you can't send a woman to Home Depot !

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