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JOKE of the day. A place to make one SMILE/LAUGH/Shake their heads.

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CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...

 

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

 

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

 

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

 

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

 

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

 

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

 

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

 

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

 

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

 

It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.

 

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

 

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

 

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

 

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

 

Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ...

 

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If your not " Physically Fit ", then your just Food for the Zombies.LOL.

In GOD I Trust, Everyone else keep your hands where I can see them!

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spindrift

 

OMG that is a good one, here is a oldie but a goodie

 

One day Jane found Tarzan in the jungle. He was lean and muscular and she was very attracted to him. During the course of their conversation, she asked what he did for sex.

 

"Sex?" he asked. "What's that?"

 

She explained what sex was and he said, "Oh, Tarzan use a hole in the trunk of tree!"

 

Horrified, Jane said, "Oh, Tarzan you have it all wrong! I'll show you how to do it properly." She took off her dress, dropped to the ground and spread her legs wide.

"Here," she said, "You must put it in here."

 

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and gave her a powerful kick in the crotch with his foot. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

 

"Tarzan check for bees first!"

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I promise this is the last but it's too good to pass.................if you need an apartment to rent...................don't forget to scan all the pics of the interior

 

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/3597860708.html

 

 

So where is this place?B) Looks way better than my place.:rolleyes:

I'm sure the smell in the air would be just as apealling as the dwelling.

Would make a great BOL. Home sweet Home when the Zombies Roam it will feel like Home. " HELL NO ".

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If your not " Physically Fit ", then your just Food for the Zombies.LOL.

In GOD I Trust, Everyone else keep your hands where I can see them!

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Yer all a bunch of sick bastards! Did you ya know that?

Funny funny stuff!

Thanks for the belly laughs! Laughed so hard I think(hope) I farted!

 

Did it smell like a bunch of roses. :D

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If your not " Physically Fit ", then your just Food for the Zombies.LOL.

In GOD I Trust, Everyone else keep your hands where I can see them!

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A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the

congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed

a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.

 

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation

decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the

pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much

more it could potentially cost.

 

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his

chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as

many gifts as He gives us." Silence fell over the congregation.

 

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally

said in her frail voice, " Rain is also a gift from God, but when we

get too much of it, we wear rubbers ."

 

The entire congregation said, "Amen."

 

 

Gotta love those senior citizens !

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If your not " Physically Fit ", then your just Food for the Zombies.LOL.

In GOD I Trust, Everyone else keep your hands where I can see them!

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A tenderfoot drummer { sales man } was visiting a old west town and was bored and saw the blacksmith had a

 

group of people and went over to get to knwo the people and see what they were talking about mostly it was local

 

politics and rumors as he did not know the people involved he would just smile and listen after a while he got bored

 

and picked up a horse shoe from the coal bed it was hot and he dropped it real fast one of the locals trying to be funny

 

asked was it hot? No said the visitor it just does not take me long to inspect a horse shoe !

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I just had to share this one...................

 

 

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of IAMS @ K-Mart as I was inline to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

 

On impulse, I said no. I was starting the IAMS diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time.

 

I told her I lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an Intensive Care Ward with tubes coming out of most orifices & IV's in both arms.

 

But it was essentially a perfect diet & that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with IAMS nuggets & simply eat 1 or 2 every time you get hungry. The foods nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

 

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind the woman I was talking with )

 

Horrified with my story, the woman asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition from being poisoned due to eating the nuggets?

 

I told her NO! It was because I was sitting in the street licking my balls when a car ran me over.

 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, because he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door....

 

Stupid Lady....Why else would I be buying dog food?

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I just had to share this one...................

 

 

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of IAMS @ K-Mart as I was inline to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

 

On impulse, I said no. I was starting the IAMS diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time.

 

I told her I lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an Intensive Care Ward with tubes coming out of most orifices & IV's in both arms.

 

But it was essentially a perfect diet & that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with IAMS nuggets & simply eat 1 or 2 every time you get hungry. The foods nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

 

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind the woman I was talking with )

 

Horrified with my story, the woman asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition from being poisoned due to eating the nuggets?

 

I told her NO! It was because I was sitting in the street licking my balls when a car ran me over.

 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, because he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door....

 

Stupid Lady....Why else would I be buying dog food?

 

for some strange reason I think this is a true story coming from you parts man I guess it could be used as a ladies joke instead of balls they could say azz

 

just a thought from another warped mind LMAO your too funny !

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Actually it isn't but I did LOL until I had tears in my eyes. I could just see the scene in your local Wally World. All things considered I would have no doubts that it has happened .... just saying some of us do have a warped sense of humor.

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Olaf Svenson, out in his pasture in Norway , took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...

 

Right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.

 

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

 

He said: “How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance Lena , is still a Virgin - in every vay.”

 

The doctor told him” “Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dare as long as you can.”

 

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.

 

Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her and they went on their Honeymoon to Duluth .

 

That night in the Motel, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: “Olaf... You're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.”

 

Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied: “Look at zis Lena ...still in ze CRATE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If your not " Physically Fit ", then your just Food for the Zombies.LOL.

In GOD I Trust, Everyone else keep your hands where I can see them!

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