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P210SIG

JOKE of the day. A place to make one SMILE/LAUGH/Shake their heads.

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A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing

towards California .

 

The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small

craft. Where are you headed?"

 

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts,

"We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory

taken by the USA during the 1800's." The entire crew of the destroyer

doubled over in laughter.

 

When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back

on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

 

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the

last four. The rest are already there!"

 

 

One day when I was in the 3rd grade, our teacher said if we could make up a sentence using a word of 3 or more syllables we could go to recess early.

 

The first girl stood up and said "It's a beautiful day." BEAUTIFUL

 

The next boy stood up and said "My teacher is wonderful." WONDERFUL

 

And so it went around the room, until she finally arrived at me.

 

I stood up and asked her, "Do farts have lumps?"

 

She yelled at me and said I was being disgusting.

 

I asked her "Well do they?"

 

She said, "Well NO."

 

I said, "Then I definitely just sh#t my pants." DEFINITELY

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A man went into a bar and said to the bartender, "If you give me free drinks all night, I will entertain your customers so much they will stay all night and drink lots and lots." "Oh yes," says the bartender. "How are you going to do that?" The man gets a hamster out of his pocket and puts it on the piano. The hamster runs up and down the keyboard playing the greatest piano music anyone had ever heard. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "Have you got anything else?" The man gets a parrot out of his other pocket and puts it on the bar. The hamster begins to play the piano again and the parrot sings along - sounding just like Pavarotti. Everyone in the bar is amazed and stayed all night drinking and listening to the hamster and parrot. The bartender is delighted. "I must have these animals. Will you sell them to me?" he asks. The man shook his head no. "Will you sell just one then?" asks the bartender. "OK, I'll sell you the parrot for $100" the man says. The bartender is delighted and hands over the money. Another man standing next to the man who owned the hamster said, "You're a bit stupid selling that clever parrot for only $100". "No I'm not," the man replied. "The hamster is a ventriloquist"!!!

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Subject: The Arab, an appropriate salutation.

 

An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home.

All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa: 'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson.

'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,' says grandpa.

'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.'

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," Abdullah says with a big smile.

'There's a musician here- he's 85 years old.? He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro!'

There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'! '

'There's a dentist here - 90 years old.? He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!

'And me - I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Arab.'

 

I now resemble that remark.....

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A rancher is bored in the evenings and decides to get a parrot

 

he goes to town and at the pet shop he see a beautiful taking parrot ut notices that a pad lock and chain on the door

 

the shop owner tells the rancher he is an escape artist and still tries to by him

 

the shop owner tries to explain he is a difficult and smart bird that escapes and causes all kind of trouble

 

but the rancher won't have it any other way the shop keeper finally agrees to sell the parrot as long as the rancher

 

agrees to take the cage and keep it locked as it can be cleaned from a plate in the bottom he says fine.

 

a few weeks go by and the parrot some how escapes then all hell breaks loose he "NAILS" anything first he

 

"DOES' all the hens untill he kills a few and they hide so no more eggs then the sheep and the pigs he ain't stopping

 

all the animals are scared of the parrot even the horses and cows.

 

the rancher tries to capture the parrot but no can do finally eh yells your going to "do" yourself to death

 

the parrot laughs and yells you'll never catch me! a week later early in the morning the rancher sees the parrot apparently

 

dead on the ground and says yep he finally did it he screwed himself to death that crazy bird I am going to miss him though

 

he was so much trouble but the rancher could not remember a time he was bored since he had gotten the parrot.

 

So he goes out to bury him and as he reaches down the parrot raises one foot to his beak and makes a shuuush

 

the rancher says, "what the hell" and the parrot points up at a buzzard flying and says shuuuush go away I'm hunting.

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Ten Thoughts To Ponder For The Year!

 

 

Number 10.

Life is sexually transmitted.

 

 

Number 9.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

 

Number 8.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

 

 

Number 7.

Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

 

 

Number 6.

Some people are like a Slinky, not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

 

 

Number 5.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

 

 

Number 4.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

 

 

Number 3.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

 

 

Number 2.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world's weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 

 

And The Number 1 Thought.

Life's like a jar of Jalapeno peppers . . . what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

 

 

And as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age . . . It doesn't last that long."

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[ATTACH=CONFIG]1849[/ATTACH]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If your not " Physically Fit ", then your just Food for the Zombies.LOL.

In GOD I Trust, Everyone else keep your hands where I can see them!

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I saw her standing there & i told her she had 3 beautiful children. She didn't have to get all pissed off & threaten me with Jihad. It was an honest mistake.

 

 

[ATTACH=CONFIG]1859[/ATTACH]

 

 

( Thank God there is still some humor out there. )

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If your not " Physically Fit ", then your just Food for the Zombies.LOL.

In GOD I Trust, Everyone else keep your hands where I can see them!

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Sent to me by a friend, truth in the ad. [ATTACH=CONFIG]1862[/ATTACH]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If your not " Physically Fit ", then your just Food for the Zombies.LOL.

In GOD I Trust, Everyone else keep your hands where I can see them!

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I can honestly say

I Never Thought of This Answer...

 

WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?

 

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'

 

'Nonsense,' the doctor said...'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

 

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.

'This can't be, our families on both sides

had jet-black hair for generations.'

 

"Well, said the doctor, let me ask you this.

 

How often do you have sex???"

 

The man seemed a bit ashamed..'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'

 

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently....

 

"It's Rust."

 

If you can't laugh at this one, you are having a bad day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If your not " Physically Fit ", then your just Food for the Zombies.LOL.

In GOD I Trust, Everyone else keep your hands where I can see them!

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Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

 

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your

Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100

million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day

our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee."

 

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord.

It must not be changed."

 

"Well," said the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this

reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."

 

"My son, it is impossible, for the prayer is the word of the Lord and it

must not be changed."

 

The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence

to the faith, but we do have one final offer.... We will donate $500

million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if

you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily

bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'

Please consider it."

 

And he leaves.

 

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.

 

"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.The good news is

that the Church will come into $500 million.'"

 

"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

 

"We're losing the Wonder-Bread account."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If your not " Physically Fit ", then your just Food for the Zombies.LOL.

In GOD I Trust, Everyone else keep your hands where I can see them!

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I met a fairy who said she would grant me one wish.

 

Immediately I said, “I want to live forever.”

 

“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant eternal life.”

 

“OK,” I said, “Then, I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its ass!”

 

“You crafty bastard,” said the fairy.

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I met a fairy who said she would grant me one wish.

 

Immediately I said, “I want to live forever.”

 

“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant eternal life.”

 

“OK,” I said, “Then, I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its ass!”

 

“You crafty bastard,” said the fairy.

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What do you call a Jewish beer that they drink?

 

HEBREW

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If your not " Physically Fit ", then your just Food for the Zombies.LOL.

In GOD I Trust, Everyone else keep your hands where I can see them!

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A SPAGHETTI LOVE STORY

 

 

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

 

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

 

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

 

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

 

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

 

On the card was written:

 

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

 

Three with meatballs, two without.

 

Send extra sauce.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If your not " Physically Fit ", then your just Food for the Zombies.LOL.

In GOD I Trust, Everyone else keep your hands where I can see them!

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The Irish Millionaire

 

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'

and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

 

"You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter,

"but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.

Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

 

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

 

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

 

a) Sparrow

 

B) Thrush,

 

c) Magpie,

 

d) Cuckoo?"

 

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,

 

''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ..."

 

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and

repeated the question to him.

 

"Dat's simple cried Paddy, it's a Cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"

 

"I'm sure."

 

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,

"I'll go with Cuckoo as my answer."

 

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

 

"Dat it is."

 

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed,

"Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"

 

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know

it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

 

"Because he lives in a clock!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If your not " Physically Fit ", then your just Food for the Zombies.LOL.

In GOD I Trust, Everyone else keep your hands where I can see them!

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Balls

INTERESTING OBSERVATION

 

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

 

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

 

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

 

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

 

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

 

And...

 

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

 

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

 

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

 

There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.

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A while ago a new supermarket opened in Topeka , Kansas .

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

 

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

 

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mowed hay.

 

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

 

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

 

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

 

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore. Don’t ask me why.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If your not " Physically Fit ", then your just Food for the Zombies.LOL.

In GOD I Trust, Everyone else keep your hands where I can see them!

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