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JOKE of the day. A place to make one SMILE/LAUGH/Shake their heads.

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The Wednesday night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. The pastor asked who had bagged a deer that year, but nobody raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't understand! Last Sunday, many of you were unable to make it to the service because of hunting season. That's why I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."

 

One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked, Pastor. They're all safe."

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Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.

But as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and became so heavy and so fast

that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

 

So one day Farmer John called the local police station and said,

 

"You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing my chickens."

 

"What do you want us to do?" asked the policeman.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day the policeman had the Main Road’s workers

go out to erect a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said,

"You've got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school

crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!"

So, again, the policeman sends out the Main Roads workers’

and they put up a new sign:

 

 

 

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

 

 

 

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and

called and called every day for three weeks.

Finally, he asked the policeman, "Your signs are doing no

good at all ... can I put up my own sign?"

 

The policeman said, "Sure, go ahead."

He was willing to let Farmer John do just about anything

in order to get him to stop calling to complain.

 

The policeman got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the policeman

and he decided to give Farmer John a call. “ How’s the

problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

 

"Oh, I sure did,” replied Farmer John, ”and not one chicken

has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."

He hung up the phone.

 

The policeman was really curious and he thought to himself,

"I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign … it might

be something that WE could use to slow down driver.

"So he drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped

the moment he saw the sign.

 

It was spray painted on a sheet of wood....*

 

 

NUDIST COLONYGo slow and watch out for chicks!

 

Keep Smiling .....

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The Wednesday night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. The pastor asked who had bagged a deer that year, but nobody raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't understand! Last Sunday, many of you were unable to make it to the service because of hunting season. That's why I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."

 

One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked, Pastor. They're all safe."

 

Thanks OC I can use this one TODAY at work..The Pastor' visit today..lol

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Timmy writes a Christmas Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the

reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I

would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for

Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones

 

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all

fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the

time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to

get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you

something you can go outside and play with.*

Merry Christmas,*

Santa Claus**

 

Mr. Claus,

 

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract,

set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to

granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this

joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at

my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit

trite?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones

 

Mr. Jones,

 

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria,

need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it

a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,

well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been

on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be

more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I

alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social

skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the

bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus

 

Now look here Fat Man,

 

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was

attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends

into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys

and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console,

my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

 

T-Bone

 

Listen Pizza Face,

 

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on

one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees

you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar,

genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your

shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people

that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll

all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you

asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in

you're ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

 

S Clizzy

 

Dear Santa,

 

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

 

Timmy

 

* *

 

Timmy,

 

That's what I thought you little bastard.

 

Santa

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Let the dog in;lock the door;build a BIG fire in the fireplace;and sit up all night with the shotgun on your lap-that ole fat man aint so jolly!

 

My 5 year old ran up to me on Christmas eve and asked if Santa was safe coming in our house, it seems the older boys told him " well you know sneaking in the house with dad around is pretty dangerous" he cocked his head for a second and ran over to me, I told him Santa knows to knock on my bedroom window before he comes down the chimney so I know it's him.

You just gotta love those little brains of theirs!

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Laugh for the day, I guess you all are old enough to receive this.

 

 

 

 

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

 

 

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

 

 

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

 

 

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

 

 

SIMPLE TRUTH 2

 

 

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say,

 

"Congrats".

 

 

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".

 

 

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated."

 

 

 

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

 

 

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a

 

Corvette than on a bicycle.

 

 

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.

 

 

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you

 

when they're in trouble again.

 

 

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

 

 

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

 

 

Bonus: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.

 

A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman's

 

husband.

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This is a true story and maybe you heard about it happening a few years ago.

 

This occurred at a prestigious college up here in the northeast. It seems, that just after a substantial snowfall, a set of large animal tracks were discovered leaving a road, going across one corner of the campus, and down to a lake where there was a big hole in the ice. One of the biology professors determined that the tracks were probably made by a rhinoceros. But where had the animal come from?

 

The local police called out the water rescue squad and they dragged the bottom of the small lake but found nothing. There was considerable concern because the lake served the small town as a water source.

 

The local zoos were contacted but they said nothing was missing.

 

Local wildlife collectors were also contacted to no avail.

 

A couple weeks went by and the mystery made the papers several times. No one had an explanation.

Then word got out that a professor that spent a great deal of time in Africa had come back from a vacation and found his office had been broken into and his two waste paper baskets, made from, you guessed it, rhino feet, were missing!

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Subject: The Arab, an appropriate salutation.

 

An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home.

All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa: 'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson.

'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,' says grandpa.

'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.'

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," Abdullah says with a big smile.

'There's a musician here- he's 85 years old.? He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro!'

There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'! '

'There's a dentist here - 90 years old.? He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!

'And me - I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Arab.'

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