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JOKE of the day. A place to make one SMILE/LAUGH/Shake their heads.

479 posts in this topic

MODS feel free to remove this post if you find it offencive.

 

To make you SMILE. LOL.

 

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE - PRICELESS

 

 

 

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

 

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

 

Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

 

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

 

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

 

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don't know shit?"

 

And then she went back to reading her book.

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I think that this is a great idea, hmmmmm let me think!

 

Adam is sitting in the garden of Eden and God come down and says " Adam what do you think of the world that I have made for you?" " well" Adam replies" it's so beautiful lord, the sky, the seas, the birds and animals,.....". " we'll Adam is there something I missed?" " ooh lord I do get so lonely sometimes with no one to share this all with". To which God replied " ooooh Adam of course! I will give you the best companion ever, smart,carrying, compassionate, obedient, everything you could want , but it will cost you an arm and a leg". Adam thought about it" Gee lord what can I get for a rib?"

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How do you get a one arm progressive out of a tree?

 

Wave at them.

 

A progressive had horrible breath so bad they could not get a date.

went to their doctor and they could not find any reason so the doctor

referred them to the states most exclusive hospital still no answer.

the state finally due to the desperation of the patient sent them to

Mayo clinic one of the finest diagnostic clinics in the world.

 

First moment they gathered a panel of the most respected doctors and nurses

admitted them to the hospital for 24/7 observation and testing.

they tested the blood, the upper and lower GI tract controlled diet and fluid intake

X-rays, MRI's, barium, fluoroscopic examination, urological, and even

went as far as to do an extensive allergy study and after days of tests the doctors

were still baffled by their patients Halitosis {bad breath}.

 

then the doctors decided to review the video and found the answer, and called the patient

to the consult room at least 20 doctors and nurses of every specialty were gathered around.

The patient all anxious and waiting to find the doctors treatment or cure for a normal life maybe even

be able to start dating and not be afraid to be out in public tense and waiting the chief of staff

stood and glanced around at all the knowledge and work that went into his final diagnosis,

 

Well doctor WELL, the doctor bowed by age and experience leaned and looked right straight into

the patients eyes and said with utmost confidence, "Your going to have to do one of two things".

The progressive patient bursting, yells anything doctor anything, just tell me please.

the doctor now more intent than ever states emphatically you must give up sucking your thumb,

or picking your ass.

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A scientist made a clone of himself,but some thing went wrong.

All the clone wanted to do was to stick his head out of the 3rd story window and shuot drity words at people passing by.

Embarrassed by this display the scientist didnt know what to do. Seeing no other option he pushed the clone out the window. He was arrested a short time later for

making an obscene clone fall.

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A scientist made a clone of himself,but some thing went wrong.

All the clone wanted to do was to stick his head out of the 3rd story window and shuot drity words at people passing by.

Embarrassed by this display the scientist didnt know what to do. Seeing no other option he pushed the clone out the window. He was arrested a short time later for

making an obscene clone fall.

 

you should be ashamed of yourself.........

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A scientist made a clone of himself,but some thing went wrong.

All the clone wanted to do was to stick his head out of the 3rd story window and shuot drity words at people passing by.

Embarrassed by this display the scientist didnt know what to do. Seeing no other option he pushed the clone out the window. He was arrested a short time later for

making an obscene clone fall.

 

Yea really ashamed of your self

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I was married by a Judge. I should have asked for a jury the sentence may have been shorter.

 

Quit worrying about your health. It will eventually go away.

 

The most dangerous food is wedding cake.

 

I could have gone to West Point...but I was too proud to talk to a Congressman.

 

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

 

Remember, You never know anything about a woman til you meet her in court.

 

If you want to get back on your feet, miss two car payments.

 

Hard work never killed anyone, but why take a chance. Start slow then taper off.

 

Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the National Debt.

 

Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

 

A man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is FINISHED!

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Some marriages are like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond, but by the end you're wishing for a club and a spade.

 

Until Eve showed up, this was a man's world.

 

Old saying: A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!

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There was a preacher posted to his new church.

 

the attendance had been declining since his posting and his superiors had threaten to move him.

 

being desperate and not wanting to be moved to a worse place he hatched a plan,

and got a parrot from another town.

 

He taught the parrot a trick how to strike a wooden match and drop it through a hole in the bottom

of his bird house.after hearing the words "and the fire came down from heaven".

after he was positive the parrot could do it 100% of the time he was ready to put his plan into action.

 

He had fliers printed stating "come see the fire from heaven", and had them posted all over town.

they day came and he wore his best suit the church was decked out and cleaned to perfection.

the parrot was in his bird house in the top of the ceiling obscured by the rafters so he could not be seen.

he spoke to paul the parrot and said 'if you do well you will get a special treat" .

 

the time neared and church was packed standing room only his plan was a success so he started his

sermon confident and as he saw the crowd anxiously awaiting he spoke the command words,

"And the fire came down from heaven" and nothing he was confused the parrot had performed flawlessly

but nothing so he said it a bit louder maybe paul the parrot did not hear him.

And the fire came down from heaven, and NOTHING starting to get panicky he decided he better do

something so he screamed as loud as he could "AND THE FIRE CAME DOWN FROM HEAVEN".

 

All the visitors were looking around waiting for the miracle but still nothing but in a moment a loud voice

from the rafters was heard throughout the church "AND THE CAT PISSED ON THE FU@KIN' MATCHES"

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A dog was crossing a rail road track when a train came zipping by and cut off his tail. The dog flipped around to see what happened and the train took off his head.........moral of the story is don't lose your head over some tail.

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A dog was crossing a rail road track when a train came zipping by and cut off his tail. The dog flipped around to see what happened and the train took off his head.........moral of the story is don't lose your head over some tail.

 

OOOOOHHHH! That hurt!

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OK Urban Wolf

 

it's like this LMAO viz 9 quit picking on the children, you know they can't defend themselves.

 

Just teaching survival skills.

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There was a preacher posted to his new church.

 

the attendance had been declining since his posting and his superiors had threaten to move him.

 

being desperate and not wanting to be moved to a worse place he hatched a plan,

and got a parrot from another town.

 

He taught the parrot a trick how to strike a wooden match and drop it through a hole in the bottom

of his bird house.after hearing the words "and the fire came down from heaven".

after he was positive the parrot could do it 100% of the time he was ready to put his plan into action.

 

He had fliers printed stating "come see the fire from heaven", and had them posted all over town.

they day came and he wore his best suit the church was decked out and cleaned to perfection.

the parrot was in his bird house in the top of the ceiling obscured by the rafters so he could not be seen.

he spoke to paul the parrot and said 'if you do well you will get a special treat" .

 

the time neared and church was packed standing room only his plan was a success so he started his

sermon confident and as he saw the crowd anxiously awaiting he spoke the command words,

"And the fire came down from heaven" and nothing he was confused the parrot had performed flawlessly

but nothing so he said it a bit louder maybe paul the parrot did not hear him.

And the fire came down from heaven, and NOTHING starting to get panicky he decided he better do

something so he screamed as loud as he could "AND THE FIRE CAME DOWN FROM HEAVEN".

 

All the visitors were looking around waiting for the miracle but still nothing but in a moment a loud voice

from the rafters was heard throughout the church "AND THE CAT PISSED ON THE FU@KIN' MATCHES"

 

 

 

Ha! That was great, you should have given to urban wolf...........

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Talking Parrots

 

 

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

 

I have two female parrots,

 

But they only know to say one thing.'

 

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

 

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

 

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

 

Then he thought for a moment.....

 

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

 

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

 

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,

And your parrots are sure to stop saying ... that phrase ... in no time.'

 

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

 

The next day,

She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....

 

As he ushered her in,

She saw that his two male parrots

Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...

 

Impressed,

She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

 

After a few minutes,

The female parrots cried out in unison:

 

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

 

There was stunned silence...

 

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

 

'Put the beads away, Frank,

Our prayers have been answered!

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Some marriages are like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond, but by the end you're wishing for a club and a spade.

 

sooooooooo true and yet soooooooo funny

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three young girls were caught by their dorm matron talking about their experience

of sneaking out with their boy friends and what different things they had done.

their names were alice, nancy and mary.

 

being a religious school she took them to the head master she could not hear

exactly what each girl had done or who so the matron let the headmaster decided how to

embarrass the girls and that might stop their nocturnal wandering.

 

The headmaster took the girls into the Abbey and said.

"there is the baptismal of holy water for what you have done you must wash

and go back to your room and consider what you have done.

The girls started whispering and pushing then it turned into a shoving match.

 

the head master was confused, and went and as he got closer he heard the problem.

Alice, "listen you two I only have to wash my hands", Nancy says, and so I am definitely going next"

Mary is livid, "and what do you mean by that". Nancy says, "I only have to gargle and

I am not doing that after you stick your butt in that water".

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Global warming is now a law in certain nations to deny it is punishable by law in 100 years global temperatures have only increased by .3 degrees or one third of a degree  to quote from a bible is also punishable by law so because ideology is a personal thought process and a religion is a belief system now your thoughts are punishable by law, but desiring under age children, sex with robots or animals, or choosing a gender that has no scientific proof  is either socially acceptable or on the docket to become legal. Why are religious ideals wrong ad personal constructs and feelings able to overcome facts, it's ok to have all the sex partners you want but you can only marry one person ? you can be one person but decide your gender as often as you like ? of the decision to be whatever the individual decides. So then being a bank robber is just an alternative vocation ?  I am terribly afraid that all sports will take the same opinion that all the rules should be thrown out and and each will play his or it's own game by the rules they decide at the moment or they consider advantageous to the moment, why not that is what all the social justle warriors are moaning about. So I just want to be clear on just what rules I have to follow if no one else has to follow any rules ? if there is a question just who is the judge and will they all be of one opinion or can I demand a consensus of more than one judge and if its legal somewhere else then should it not be legal here as well, since the left says no borders is that in legal social and sexual ideals ? I mean if illegal aliens can't be jailed or required to have insurance why can't I get away with skirting the law ? We can't agree on anything here and now how in the hell does anyone think that an alien race can solve all our problems -- what if they are all straight or eat cats or think blowing their nose on you is a compliment ?  I see a lot of problems outside the will and directions of God. if we could have everything we wanted would all men look like Fabio and all women look like Rachel Welch and dogs all be Spuds McKenzie ? if everyone had a yacht wouldn't that raise the sea level and last consider if no one worked if you wanted or needed something you would have to do it yourself because otherwise how would you convince them to do anything if they need nothing  that you could offer, would your wife stay would your kids listen ? if you grew tired and could just walk away from a place a person or  your own children -- would love even exist as a life long social construct ? property does not make us happy people fail to meet our needs and we all get sick and have differing opinions and eventually we die so thinking there is some external accomplishment that can make us happy is a myth or really a lie to ourselves there is not enough money sex or personal adjustments that cannot turn sour or turn on you. Used to people said live your dream now, they can't tell the difference between a dream and a lie or reality and that is psychosis changing gender is multiple personality disorder and substance abuse to fill in the blanks is a slow version of suicide, I guess that is why the Bible advises against such activity --so maybe it is not trying to ruin your life ? but a book of rules to keep us grounded not lost or confused IMHO   just remember PI is not square, they are round it's cornbread that are square and Pythagoras couldn't understand  the math our derivative housing market used to go broke and more important why are banks still speculating on the housing market as we can't bail them out again ?